Well, the results are in and the competition was tough. So tough it’s a three-way tie. The theme of the 83rd Annual Academy Awards Red Carpet Show was Aliens, The Easter Bunny and Table Cloth. On February 27, 2011, Gwyneth Paltrow landed in Los Angeles, California from outer space, in a long silver space suit designed by Calvin Klein. When the hosts at E! News asked Paltrow who designed her dress, I was just glad she didn’t respond with, “Aliens,” because we all know how hard it is to get those celebrity red-carpet knock-offs for our own night-out-on-the-town. Dear God, Italy is far enough to go for a good imitation Versace gown. It’s good to know that while Calvin Klein may work for NASA he also works on planet earth.
Nicole Kidman claims to have arrived from Australia; however her strapless, form-fitting white evening gown was encrusted with moon dust and a V-neck. While designed by Christian Dior and for the red carpet, it was clearly a nod to the very first Star Trek. But the number one Starship Enterprise fact every Trekker and Vulcan should know is that V-necks are not for the waist or the red carpet, but rather, the neck, as its title clearly implies.
Cate Blanchett, while she did not arrive on the same space ship as Gwyneth Paltrow or Nicole Kidman, was still transported to the red carpet from the future—Easter. Probably inspired by the giant egg Lady Gaga wore at the Grammy’s earlier this year, Blanchett’s Givenchy Couture was a tribute to Peter Rabbit as it included a violet purple rabbit hole on her chest, punctuated by yellow M&Ms across her back, so that kids everywhere—from outer space as well as the planet earth—could find her while on an Easter Egg hunt. To respect the Easter Spring theme, Hillary Swank showed up as Big Bird in the color gray. Her Gucci Premiere Couture gown was donned with feathers around her legs, ankles, and nowhere else. Perhaps Big Bird sheds during this time of year instead, I don’t know. You’d need to get with Gucci for further details.
There were a couple of stars who did not hail from outer space or the future this evening, but rather the present as they were spotted rummaging through my dining room earlier today. Scarlett Johansson’s lacy, flowered see-through Dolce & Gabbana gown is a memoriam to my great-grandmother’s nineteenth-century table cloth—before it was dipped in the color fuchsia. I couldn’t have picked a more beautiful girl than Johansson to carry on my great-grandmother’s memory, except for Natalie Portman, who was wearing purple tassels from the holiday curtains that go with the table cloth. Portman swears that the earrings are from Tiffany & Co, but since diamonds remain to be seen on her ears I’m going to have to call bull-shit on that one. Sorry Natalie.
Those were the highlights of this year’s 83rd Annual Academy Awards Red Carpet Show. Looking forward to next year!