In what has been called an epidemic by Drug Czar Gil Kerlikowske, figures released by the Obama administration show that over 150 million Americans are addicted to Charlie Sheen.
Charlie Sheen abuse, or what users on the streets often refer to as ‘Wild Thing’ has increased dramatically over the past decade. The narcotic was first introduced in the 1960’s by Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez , who is believed to have gotten it through Spanish/Irish immigrants, but didn’t really spread until the mid-1980’s.
“It hasn’t been a major problem until quite recently,” says Kerlikowske. “We absolutely have to get some control over the mass consumption of Charlie Sheen before it destroys more lives.”
While technically classified as a narcotic, scientists say Charlie Sheen is a combination of 40% cocaine and 60% tiger's blood. It’s known to cause increased swelling of the head, a false sense of chivalry, and the lack of ability to control what comes out one’s mouth.
In response to the widespread abuse, a special joint session of Congress was held earlier today as representatives on both sides of the aisle came together to enact legislation declaring Charlie Sheen an illegal substance.
“We all felt it was necessary to intervene on the behalf of public safety to protect the people from this terrible addiction,” says Rep. Darrell Issa. “If not for the safety of the general public, than in the interest of good taste.”
Meanwhile proponents of the drug are actively protesting the measures, many echoing sentiments that it’s all just a cover up for 9/11.
“Every time important issues like Health Care Reform or the strong evidence showing a vast conspiracy in the banking industry to rob the American tax payer of billions of dollars appears – it just so happens that Charlie Sheen becomes more popular in the news,” says one anonymous protester. “I mean seriously, haven’t you noticed that every time important issues that truly affect your lives arise, the media seems to focus more on ‘the Charlie Sheen problem’?”
However there are already signs that the legislation is immediately having an effect. In California alone, prostitution is down a whopping 59% and expected to continue decreasing. Many recovering Sheen addicts are already beginning to realize a sense of shame, otherwise numbed by the drug.
Dr. Chaim Levine, for one, is not surprised.
The leading authority on Charlie Sheen Abuse, Levine has been the most instrumental in helping Americans detox themselves from the affects of long term ‘Hot Shotting.’
“The situation is not as hopeless as the government makes it out to be,” explains Dr. Levine. “We have developed a therapy that treats the drug as a disease that can be cured as an alternative to incarceration. Many people are in and out our program in just a matter of weeks.”
The controversial therapy involves a slow painful weaning process with patients injected hourly with a mild sedative known as Emilio Estevez. As the addiction begins to fade it is finally numbed out all together with a small dose of John Stamos.
However many are skeptical of Dr. Levine’s methods, saying that the steady doses of Emilio Estevez and John Stamos eventually destroy the human spirit itself.
“My husband went through the Levine treatment, “says the wife of one patient. “He now just sits at home all day, clipping coupons for Wolverine Boots from Academy Sports and Outdoors. At night he can’t even close his eyes to sleep, he just sits in bed, sobbing violently as if he’s awaiting the sweet relief of death.”
Drug Czar Gil Kerlikowske disagrees. “We had no choice but to move forward with the best methods available to us at this time. The country has only just recently begun to heal itself from last year’s ‘Mel Gibson Epidemic’ and honestly we can’t afford to let the abuse of Charlie Sheen do the same.
Swiss Army Robot is a satirical column written by Jay Whitecotton and is intended to be taken as seriously as possible.