WASHINGTON, D.C. — A Military Tribunal has been formed this week to investigate recent allegations that Steve Rogers, aka Captain America, is gay. Members of the secret agency S.H.E.I.L.D. refused to comment, but one anonymous source said it does not look good for the super hero. “Bright blue spandex tights, red boots, and an angel winged mask might be good if your singing Ziggy Stardust – but NOT for military action.”
Rumors of his sexuality were nonexistent until an anonymous letter was emailed to the media and Joint Chiefs of Staff detailing multiple accounts of Captain America’s alleged homosexuality. Including gay-themed cruises to Brazil and enjoying the music of the Pet Shop Boys "way too much." One excerpt said specifically, "I mean, his main weapon is a shield – C’MON now – how gay is that?!" The letter would go on to conclude that "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve Rogers."
If it comes down to a trial, lawyers on both sides are preparing to hear evidence that a "gay gene" was in fact transmitted by an experimental serum to Rogers in hopes of helping the war effort. Though evidence of the serum and its creators were suspiciously destroyed, it is unclear how military authorities will react to the "army-made-me-gay" defense if allowed in court.
Since WW2 Captain America has been the leading voice for American values, fighting Nazis, communists, and terrorists. His exploits were heavily documented, but recent gaps in his military service have gone under major scrutiny. Including his reported years in suspended animation where many witnesses have placed him bar-hopping in West Hollywood. “Cappy was an innovator for gay culture,” says queer historian Bruce Cannon, “before him there was just a hole – he’s the one that made it glorious.”
As of this week, Captain America’s duties have been frozen along with his pay until further notice.
Swiss Army Robot is a satirical column written by Jay Whitecotton and is intended to be taken as seriously as possible.