NEW ORLEANS, La. – Oscar-winning actor Nicolas Cage has been arrested after a drunken argument with his wife, police said earlier this morning.
“He was clearly intoxicated, yet kept trying to act like he wasn’t,” said one officer on the scene. “It was just like that movie where they took his face and replaced it with John Travolta’s – just terrible.”
Cage, best known for his role as the nephew of director Francis Ford Coppola and least known for his role as Ghost Rider, was visibly upset as he punched nearby cars in the French Quarter. When approached by the police witnesses say his demeanor changed completely as he tried to “act” his way out of being arrested.
“He kept doing that awkward fast talk thing he does in movies when he’s trying to come across as charming,” said a local resident, “but kept slipping into that ‘Con Air’ southern accent thing – no one was buying it.”
After being taken into custody, the actor was booked on suspicion of domestic abuse battery, disturbing the peace, and public drunkenness. A charge of petty theft was added by prosecutors who pointed to the price of admission for ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ but was quickly dropped by the judge who thought, for the record, it wasn’t that
Lawyers acting on behalf of Cage believe that any additional charges will be dropped citing his work in ‘Adaptation’ and ‘Raising Arizona’ as strong enough to maintain his artistic credibility.
However prosecutors are planning a compilation reel featuring his work in Snake Eyes, the Wicker Man, Windtalkers, Captain Corelli's Mandolin, the Sorcerer's Apprentice, and Drive Angry 3D to be entered into evidence.
It’s unclear whether or not they will seek the Death Penalty.
Swiss Army Robot is a satirical column written by Jay Whitecotton and is intended to be taken as seriously as possible.