Here Are The Best Super Bowl Ads So You Don’t Have To Watch The Superb Owl

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Super Bowl XLVIII, America’s collective time-waster or pinnacle of athletic competition, depending on who you ask, takes place this Sunday. Millions will gorge on chicken wings and guacamole while they witness the $4 million anthems to American gluttony, debauchery and consumerism and the football game that takes place in between them. Most people will watch the Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos square off for the  ads, because being told what to buy in humorous, heartwarming or nonsensical ways is much more entertaining than watching a brown, leather ball makes its way down an astroturf field, yard by yard. So SPOILER ALERT! Here are some of the best ads the Super Bowl will foist upon the viewing audience to pay alms to American consumerism. And some you won’t see because, for some companies, 30 seconds of ad time is prohibitively expensive. The Heartstring Puller Watch puppies and horses be friends, and then buy watered-down beer, if you aren’t already drinking watered-down beer.

The Marauding Felt Monsters >>>

The Marauding Felt Monsters Learn that when you buy a Toyota Highlander, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem will highjack your car in what will be a harrowing, but adorable experience.

 

The Beast in Show This cautionary tale warns of the pandemonium that will ensue when you bring a creature from the Island of Dr. Moreau to the mainland. Also, buy an Audi or something.

The Pacifist >>>

The Pacifist  Discover that noxious body spray has been the key to world peace this whole time.

The Beautiful Woman You Won’t Be Seeing >>>

The Beautiful Woman You Won’t Be Seeing Watch Anna Kendrick be ridiculously hot for two minutes and 14 seconds for beer that is not made in America.   American or not, it would've been the greatest ad ever:

The Peddling Talk Show Hostess >>>

The Peddling Talk Show Hostess Ellen appropriates “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” to somehow convince you that a $14.99-a-month music app is somehow worth $14.99-a-month.

The Puppehs >>> 

The Puppehs OMG, y’all! So many puppies!   There’s a human version that doesn’t have puppies, but I don’t know why it bothers existing.  

The Assault on Core American Values >>>

The Assault on Core American Values Cheerio’s needlessly controversial biracial family is back to try and solve racism one more time. Lock up your children, racists.   The Horny for Heifers This one has a randy cow. Because I guess that’s tougher to tow than a cow whose sexual desires have already been fulfilled?  

The One That Actually Involves Football >>>

The One That Actually Involves Football Here’s a kid playing football and drinking carbonated high fructose corn syrup.   What Else To Expect There will undoubtedly be more commercials, including a Full House reunion that a nostalgic America apparently asked for. There will also be movie trailers that tell us to watch movies at a later date. Expect spots for Transformers: Age of ExtinctionCaptain America: The Winter SoldierThe Amazing Spiderman 2and more. Also, expect the Seahawks to trounce the Broncos. Yeah, I said it. Come at me, bro. Finally, you can vote for a Doritos commercial that will air during the big game. Here’s one that involves gloryholes.   You can see the rest here.

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