The Marauding Felt Monsters >>>The Marauding Felt Monsters Learn that when you buy a Toyota Highlander, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem will highjack your car in what will be a harrowing, but adorable experience.
The Beast in Show This cautionary tale warns of the pandemonium that will ensue when you bring a creature from the Island of Dr. Moreau to the mainland. Also, buy an Audi or something.
The Pacifist >>>The Pacifist Discover that noxious body spray has been the key to world peace this whole time.
The Beautiful Woman You Won’t Be Seeing >>>The Beautiful Woman You Won’t Be Seeing Watch Anna Kendrick be ridiculously hot for two minutes and 14 seconds for beer that is not made in America. American or not, it would've been the greatest ad ever:
The Peddling Talk Show Hostess >>>The Peddling Talk Show Hostess Ellen appropriates “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” to somehow convince you that a $14.99-a-month music app is somehow worth $14.99-a-month.
The Puppehs >>>The Puppehs OMG, y’all! So many puppies! There’s a human version that doesn’t have puppies, but I don’t know why it bothers existing.
The Assault on Core American Values >>>The Assault on Core American Values Cheerio’s needlessly controversial biracial family is back to try and solve racism one more time. Lock up your children, racists. The Horny for Heifers This one has a randy cow. Because I guess that’s tougher to tow than a cow whose sexual desires have already been fulfilled?
The One That Actually Involves Football >>>The One That Actually Involves Football Here’s a kid playing football and drinking carbonated high fructose corn syrup. What Else To Expect There will undoubtedly be more commercials, including a Full House reunion that a nostalgic America apparently asked for. There will also be movie trailers that tell us to watch movies at a later date. Expect spots for Transformers: Age of Extinction, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, The Amazing Spiderman 2, and more. Also, expect the Seahawks to trounce the Broncos. Yeah, I said it. Come at me, bro. Finally, you can vote for a Doritos commercial that will air during the big game. Here’s one that involves gloryholes. You can see the rest here.
San Antonio Current works for you, and your support is essential.
Our small but mighty local team works tirelessly to bring you high-quality, uncensored news and cultural coverage of San Antonio and beyond.
Unlike many newspapers, ours is free – and we'd like to keep it that way, because we believe, now more than ever, everyone deserves access to accurate, independent coverage of their community.
Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing pledge, your support helps keep San Antonio's true free press free.