Funny or Die went and imagined what a polite welcome letter from the dispassionate, yet completely lovable Spurs' veteran Tim Duncan would look like.
The website poked fun at the generally serious Duncan by publishing a fake handwritten note he didn't write to his soon-to-be teammate LaMarcus Aldridge. Fake, or no, we're going to pretend it is completely authentic, because letter writing is a lost art, and Tim Duncan's letter is completely adorable.
So what can we pretend we learned about the unexpressive five-time NBA champion?
Well, he likes cursive, like, really likes it. He writes letters in the public library on wide ruled notebook paper, so it's same to assume that he didn't invest any of his millions in some nice stationary. He also kind of sucks at math, and he likes milk.
Here is the first portion of the letter below. You can read the rest — and you simply must — at Funny or Die.