by Dan Savage
My wife and I have been married for 14 years and in a committed (I assumed) relationship for 17 years. Sex between us (often kinky) has always been great. We have a wonderful life together and two perfect children. I thought we were good; turns out things were too good to be true. I learned recently that my wife has been unfaithful to me throughout our marriage. She began an affair with an older man soon before we were married, and they were physically intimate for five years, including bondage and a Master/sub relationship. The physical sex stopped, but phone sex and online flirting continued up until I discovered this two weeks ago. This is a man I know. She has introduced our children to him. There’s more: She slept with another man (just once, more bondage) but also flirted with him online and met up with him while I was away. She slept with yet another man she works with (just once, vanilla this time). She had phone sex with at least two other men and flirted with still more on Facebook. This came out because I was jealous about something that now seems minor and checked her e-mail. (Not proud of that.) She is repentant and relieved that I finally know, and she promises that she will be faithful from now on. I’ll always love her, and I know she loves me. We had one session with a counselor and another is scheduled. Results were mixed. One thing that came out was that she has never been faithful to a romantic/sexual partner. I could forgive a one-time drunken fling, but this is a consistent pattern of infidelity that runs from the beginning of our marriage, and I had no idea. I cannot process it. I thought she had always been as loyal as I’ve been, which is to say completely. I can’t put my wedding ring on — it feels like a lie. I have no one to talk to. For the sake of our future, the love we still share, and our children, we are committed to fixing things, but we’re not sure how. — Heartbroken And Devastated
I’m a cis woman in my late 20s. About three months ago, I had my first one-night stand. I’ve noticed my thoughts have continued to gravitate toward this man ever since — despite having other sexual partners in the interim. I recently ran across his profile on Tinder — however, I’m fairly sure he hasn’t logged on for a while as certain things weren’t up to date. While I obviously swiped right, I’m curious as to whether it would be seen as inappropriate or possibly invasive if I were to reach out via the powers of social media. The night we had went well — it was all incredibly comfortable sexually, and I found him very interesting to talk to both before and after we hooked up. I should mention that I left rather swiftly that evening without grabbing his number in an attempt to “play it cool.” I definitely don’t want to cross social or personal boundaries, but I’d like to see him again. — Creep
There’s nothing creepy about letting someone you fucked know you wanna fuck ’em again or, hey, maybe even date ’em for a while. It gets creepy only if they don’t respond, or if they politely decline, and you keep letting them know you would like to fuck/date them some more.
You liked him, you had a nice time, the sex was good — and you left, stupidly, without his number for fear of looking clingy or uncool. Social media has come with costs — trolls, bullying, Donald Trump’s Twitter feed — but the ability to locate someone and ask for a do-over/screw-over is one of the benefits. So look him up on Facebook or Instagram and send him a note. If you don’t hear back, consider yourself swiped left and move on.
On the Lovecast, the devastatingly hilarious comedian Emily Galati: savagelovecast.com.