by Dan Savage
“Peter,” is my age and bisexual. I’m not one of those gay men who think bi guys don’t exist. And I know bi guys are just as capable of being monogamous as other guys — which isn’t that comforting when you think about it — and I don’t have a problem with my bi brother-in-law being bi. More importantly, my sister doesn’t have a problem with it. But whenever I’m alone with Peter, however briefly, he starts telling me how much he misses dick. He wants to hear about the last “really great dick” I sucked and tells me he misses sucking dick. I smile and say dick is great for sure and make a halfhearted attempt to change the subject. The last time it happened was after my grandfather’s funeral. I’m pretty sure Peter wants to suck my dick, and I’m tempted to let him. I know it’s a bad idea, but Peter is hot. This is torture. What should I do? — Boy Is Lost
Stop smiling, work harder to change the subject, avoid being alone in a room with Peter, and repeat after me: “My sister might be able to forgive her husband for sucking a dick, but she’ll never forgive him — or me — if that dick is mine.”
I’m a gay guy in an open relationship and I’m on Recon, a gay hookup/dating site for guys into leather/fetish/BDSM. My partner, who isn’t kinky, knows I have a profile there and it’s not a problem. Today I got a message from a new guy, and when we exchanged face pics, I saw that he looks exactly like “Peter,” my boyfriend’s best friend’s fiancé! I asked him if that was him, and he stopped responding. What should I do? My BF doesn’t want to know much about my extracurricular activities, but this could make our next double date extremely awkward. We see this other couple a fair amount, and even though I think this guy is good-looking, I would never sleep with him because of the social situation. On the other hand, if I’m wrong and they’re not the same person, bringing it up with them could make things awkward, especially since I’m pretty secretive about my kinks and have zero desire to discuss them with my BF’s friends. — Requires Educated Consultation On Next Step
P.S. Additional information that might be relevant: Our engaged friends aren’t having sex, we’ve been told, and they’re making no moves toward actually planning a wedding.
Going silent after you asked, “Is that you, Peter?!?” is a pretty good indication that it was indeed Peter you were talking to. But while you know Peter was on Recon, RECONS, you don’t know exactly what he was doing there. Maybe he goes online to fantasize, swap pics, and jack off. Maybe Peter is on Recon with his fiancé’s blessing, just as you’re on Recon with your partner’s blessing (but, like you, he’s not comfortable discussing his kinks with friends). Maybe their relationship/engagement is on the verge of collapse and your partner’s best friend’s fiancé is trying to line up a new relationship before pulling the plug on the one he’s in now.
Since you don’t know what’s going on in their relationship, RECONS, keep your mouth shut and refrain from making assumptions or judgments. And the next time you have to interact with Peter and his fiancé socially, slap a smile on your face and talk about the weather, the election, the estrogen-enhanced, better-than-the-original Ghostbusters reboot, the new season of Difficult People, Zika, the Olympics — basically anything other than Recon, kinks, and wedding plans.
On the Lovecast, Dan chats with Wonkette’s Rebecca Schoenkopf about Bernie and Hillary and love and hate: savagelovecast.com.