ARIES (March 21-April 19): Free your body. Don’t ruminate and agonize about it. FREE YOUR BODY! Be brave and forceful. Do it simply and easily. Free your gorgeously imperfect, wildly intelligent body. Allow it to be itself in all of its glory. Tell it you’re ready to learn more of its secrets and adore its mysteries. Be in awe of its unfathomable power to endlessly carry out the millions of chemical reactions that keep you alive and thriving. How can you not be overwhelmed with gratitude for your hungry, curious, unpredictable body? Be grateful for its magic. Love the blessings it bestows on you. Celebrate its fierce animal elegance.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The people of many cultures have imagined the sun god as possessing masculine qualities. But in some traditions, the Mighty Father is incomplete without the revitalizing energies of the Divine Mother. The Maoris, for example, believe that every night the solar deity has to marinate in her nourishing uterine bath. Otherwise he wouldn’t be strong enough to rise in the morning. And how does this apply to you? Well, you currently have resemblances to the weary old sun as it dips below the horizon. I suspect it’s time to recharge your powers through an extended immersion in the deep, dark waters of the primal feminine.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): An Interesting Opportunity is definitely in your vicinity. It may slink tantalizingly close to you in the coming days, even whisper your name from afar. But I doubt that it will knock on your door. It probably won’t call you seven times on the phone or flash you a big smile or send you an engraved invitation. So you should make yourself alert for the Interesting Opportunity’s unobtrusive behavior. It could be a bit shy or secretive or modest. Once you notice it, you may have to come on strong — you know, talk to it sweetly or ply it with treats.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): [Editor’s note: The counsel offered in the following oracle was channeled from the Goddess by Rob Brezsny. If you have any problems with it, direct your protests to the Queen Wow, not Brezsny.] It’s time to get more earthy and practical about practicing your high ideals and spiritual values. Translate your loftiest intentions into your most intimate behavior. Ask yourself, “How does Goddess want me to respond when my co-worker pisses me off?”, or “How would Goddess like me to brush my teeth and watch TV and make love?” For extra credit, get a t-shirt that says, “Goddess was my co-pilot, but we crash-landed in the wilderness and I was forced to eat her.”
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Be alert for white feathers gliding on the wind. Before eating potato chips, examine each one to see if it bears a likeness of Rihanna or the Virgin Mary. Keep an eye out, too, for portents like robots wearing dreadlocked wigs or antique gold buttons lying in the gutter or senior citizens cursing at invisible Martians. The appearance of anomalies like these will be omens that suggest you will soon be the recipient of crazy good fortune. But if you would rather not wait around for chance events to trigger your good luck, simply make it your fierce intention to generate it. Use your optimism-fueled willpower and your flair for creative improvisation. You will have abundant access to these talents in the coming weeks.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You have just begun your big test. How are you doing so far? According to my analysis, the preliminary signs suggest that you have a good chance of proving the old maxim, “If it doesn’t make you so crazy that you put your clothes on inside-out and try to kiss the sky until you cry, it will help you win one of your biggest arguments with Life.” In fact, I suspect we will ultimately see you undergo at least one miraculous and certifiably melodramatic transformation. A wart on your attitude could dissolve, for example. A luminous visitation may heal one of your blind spots. You might find a satisfactory substitute for kissing the sky.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): For many years, my occupation was “starving artist.” I focused on improving my skills as a writer and musician, even though those activities rarely earned me any money. To ensure my survival, I worked as little as necessary at low-end jobs — scrubbing dishes at restaurants, digging ditches for construction companies, delivering newspapers in the middle of the night, and volunteering for medical experiments. During the long hours spent doing tasks that had little meaning to me, I worked diligently to remain upbeat. One trick that worked well was imagining future scenes when I would be engaged in exciting creative work that paid me a decent wage. It took a while, but eventually those visions materialized in my actual life. I urge you to try this strategy in the coming months, Libra. Harness your mind’s eye in the service of generating the destiny you want to inhabit.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You have every right to celebrate your own personal Independence Day sometime soon. In fact, given the current astrological omens, you’d be justified in embarking on a full-scale emancipation spree in the coming weeks. It will be prime time to seize more freedom and declare more autonomy and build more self-sufficiency. Here’s an important nuance to the work you have ahead of you: Make sure you escape the tyranny of not just the people and institutions that limit your sovereignty, but also the voices in your own head that tend to hinder your flow.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Of all the forbidden fruits that you fantasize about, which one is your favorite? Among the intriguing places you consider to be outside of your comfort zone, which might inspire you to redefine the meaning of “comfort”? The coming weeks will be a favorable time to reconfigure your relationship with these potential catalysts. And while you’re out on the frontier dreaming of fun experiments, you might also want to flirt with other wild cards and strange attractors. Life is in the mood to tickle you with useful surprises.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You have a special talent for accessing wise innocence. In some ways you’re virginal, fresh, and raw, and in other ways you’re mature, seasoned, and well-developed. I hope you will regard this not as a confusing paradox but rather as an exotic strength. With your inner child and your inner mentor working in tandem, you could accomplish heroic feats of healing. Their brilliant collaboration could also lead to the mending of an old rift.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “Where is everybody when I need them?” Even if you haven’t actually spoken those words recently, I’m guessing the voices in your head have whispered them. But from what I can tell, that complaint will soon be irrelevant. It will no longer match reality. Your allies will start offering more help and resources. They may not be perfectly conscientious in figuring out how to be of service, but they’ll be pretty good. Here’s what you can do to encourage optimal results: 1. Purge your low, outmoded expectations. 2. Open your mind and heart to the possibility that people can change. 3. Humbly ask — out loud, not just in the privacy of your imagination — for precisely what you want.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Millions of Pisceans less fortunate than you won’t read this horoscope. Uninformed about the rocky patch of Yellow Brick Road that lies just ahead, they may blow a gasket or get a flat tire. You, on the other hand, will benefit from my oracular foreshadowing, as well as my inside connections with the Lords of Funky Karma. You will therefore be likely to drive with relaxed caution, keeping your vehicle unmarred in the process. That’s why I’m predicting that although you may not arrive speedily at the next leg of your trip, you will do so safely and in style.