by Dan Savage
My partner and I have been playing with male chastity devices. We’ve been considering going to a strip club while his cock is caged up and getting him lap dances. Is there some etiquette for this with the dancers? Do we let the dancer know before she is on his lap? Or do we not mention it? Is it rude to get a dancer involved at all? I’ve not yet found an etiquette guide for this situation.— Letting Our Cage Kink Show
“I think I speak for most dancers when I say I don’t care what’s going on underneath a customer’s pants,” said Bobbi Hill, a lap dancer based in Portland, Oregon, strip club capital of the United States. “Grazing over a stiff object in the crotch region is not an uncommon experience when giving a lap dance, and depending on the texture of the device, I might not even give it a second thought.”
While your concern for lap dancers is commendable, LOCKS, the person most at risk of injury is your partner. Nothing is more fun than inducing an erection in someone who’s locked in a male chastity device — a necessarily painful and punishing erection — but the devices are unyielding (ideally) and the cock flesh is weak (even when hard). A dancer who grinds down on your partner’s crotch is likelier to hurt him.
That said, lap dancers don’t like surprises. If a dancer grinds down on your partner’s crotch and feels something hard, clunky, and un-cock-like in his pants, “she might go into air-dance mode,” said Hill, “which is essentially a lap dance where you make as little contact with the customer’s crotch as possible. Of course, you can never go wrong investing in a stripper’s patience and well-being — try handing her a Benjamin as you explain your situation.”
Just in case you’re not interested in dancers who are hers, LOCKS, I ran your question by a male stripper.
“I don’t think most dancers would mind if a customer was wearing a male chastity device as long as it caused no physical harm or discomfort,” said Aaron, a dancer at Stag PDX, Portland’s new male strip club. “If all parts of the device are safely tucked away between your legs while you receive the lap dance, there should be little to worry about. But if the device has parts that protrude — and could possibly harm an overzealous dancer while they grind up on you — you may want to be more cautious. It also never hurts to ask the dancers what they’re comfortable with.”
Strippers! They’re just like us! You can ask them questions! They will answer them! They respond positively when you take their comfort into account! They also appreciate large tips! And good personal hygiene! And clients who aren’t completely shitfaced!
I recently stopped reading your advice column due to its current focus on homosexuality. Just letting you know the heterosexuals are still alive and doing well. — Bored Reading Endlessly Experimental Deviants Exploring Rectums
Over the last year, BREEDER, I published 140 questions from readers who identified themselves as gay, lesbian, bi, trans, or straight. Twenty-six of those questions were from gay men (18 percent), 16 were from bisexuals (12 percent), 6 were from trans people (4 percent), 2 were from lesbians (1 percent), and 90 were from straight people (65 percent). Almost all of the bisexuals whose letters I responded to were in opposite-sex, aka “straight,” relationships, and the same goes for half the letters from trans people. (Lots of trans people are straight identified and in opposite-sex, aka “straight,” relationships.) So nearly 80 percent of the questions I answered last year focused on straight people and/or straight sex.
If a sex-advice column that’s about straight people and/or straight sex 65 to 80 percent of the time is too gay for you, BREEDER, then my “current focus” isn’t the problem — your homophobia is. I would say that I’m sorry to lose you as a reader, BREEDER, but I’m not.