Savage Love: Defining Decency Down

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Q: My wife and I have a decent sex life. Pretty vanilla, but we’re busy with work, chores, and life in general with two small kids, so I can’t complain too much. About a year after having our second kid, I went down on my wife. As usual, we both enjoyed it greatly. Unfortunately, about a week later she got a yeast infection. She attributed the YI to the oral, and since then I am strictly forbidden from putting my mouth anywhere near her pussy. I understand that YI are no fun, painful, and embarrassing. I understand her reluctance. But I’ve never heard of oral sex causing YI, although I realize I might be misinformed. How do I win back her trust to let me go down on her? No one is about to mistake me for Sting when it comes to my endurance during intercourse, so having the ability to pleasure her without penetration is important. Dirty Mouth Guy

“Yeast is not an STI,” said Dr. Anika Denali Luengo, an ob-gyn in Portland, Oregon. “Yeast (candida) is a normal denizen of the vagina, and an infection simply means there is an overgrowth of it on the vulva or in the vagina.”

People are likelier to get a yeast infection — or likelier to experience yeast overpopulation, since yeast is a citizen of Vagina City — when they’re on antibiotics, they have diabetes, or their immune system has taken a hit.

“Oral sex can be a slight risk factor in transmission of candida,” said Dr. Denali Luengo, “but the frequency of candidiasis is not increased by the frequency of sex, so it may not happen next time. Also, if her symptoms developed one week later, it could have been pure coincidence.”

A coincidence — that was my hunch when I read your letter, DMG.

“Luckily, they are easy to treat — over the counter miconazole or the single-dose pill fluconazole — and are basically just a nuisance and present no major health risks,” said Dr. Denali Luengo.

Q: I’m a straight-identified guy in my early 30s. I am married, but my wife lives in another part of the country and we’re doing an open relationship until she moves to live with me. Last weekend, I met a girl at a bar who ended up coming home with me, and she turned out to be a pre-op trans woman. I’d never been with a trans person before, so I decided to just roll with it and ended up having a pretty good time. Over the course of the weekend, I started to get the sense that she really liked me and maybe even considered me boyfriend material. I want to see her again, but I’m not really available for a serious relationship. Knowing the kind of unbelievable shit trans people have to deal with, I feel like it would be unfair to string her along. She is not aware of my marital status. What should I do?Can’t Think Of Funny Acronym

O brave new world that has such straight-identified guys in it.

Anyway, CTOFA, here’s what you should do: Get in a time machine and go be completely — what’s the word? — oh right, go be completely straight with this woman before you take her home from that bar. You’re married and doing the LDR thing and the marriage is open and you’re available for fun but nothing more.

No time machine? Then handle it the same way you would if you’d deceived some cis woman — excuse me, if you’d accidentally gotten some cis woman’s hopes up by failing to mention the wife. Level with her — you’re married — and let the nips fall where they may. She might be angry or she might not give a wet squart (she may not be as interested as you think she is). If she accuses you of making up a wife because you don’t want to date a trans woman, it shouldn’t be hard to prove your wife — and your marriage — exists.

Finally, CTOFA, you say it would “be unfair to string her along” because of the “unbelievable shit trans people have to deal with.” It would be unfair — it would be wrong — to string a cis woman along, too. Stringing people along is wrong, period.


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