by Dan Savage
I’ve read your column for as long as I had access to the internet and was interested in sex, so here goes: I’m a 27-year-old male with a 42-year-old girlfriend. We met at work; we were both going through divorce. At the beginning, holy moly! My dream girl in the bedroom. We’ve been together for a year, and the sex is still the best I’ve ever had — she says she feels the same — but it’s vanilla. I am assertive and in-control in the bedroom, which works for both of us, as she prefers to be passive and wants me to make moves or switch it up. I want to do other things, but she doesn’t want to do anything anymore other than missionary-position sex. Anal, oral, watching porn together, bondage, voyeurism — she’s not up for any of it. There’s always an excuse: “I’m not young like you,” “I’m not flexible like you,” “I have done that before and don’t like it, no, no, no.” Do I just suck it up and be grateful for what I have or what? — She Hates Options Totally, Desires One Way Now
She wants you to be in control and switch it up but doesn’t want to do any of the things you suggest when you take control and attempt to switch things up. Hmm. Either you’re bad at everything you’ve attempted other than missionary, SHOTDOWN, or she has a very limited sexual repertoire and/or actual physical limitations or health issues she hasn’t divulged to you.
Considering the age difference here, and considering that this is a post-divorce rebound relationship for you both, the odds are stacked against anything long-term. I don’t mean this relationship is doomed to fail. What I mean is this: You’ll probably be together for another year or two before parting ways. While most people would define that as a “failed relationship,” anyone who’s been reading my column for as long as he’s been interested in sex can tell you that I don’t define failure that way. If two people are together for a time, if they enjoy each other’s company (and genitals), if they part amicably and always remember each other fondly and/or remain friends, their relationship can be counted as a success — even if both parties get out of it alive and go on to form new relationships.
In the meantime, SHOTDOWN, enjoy the amazing vanilla sex for as long as it lasts — which could be forever. Anyone who’s been reading my column for as long as he’s been interested in sex knows that I’m not always right