Q: I am a 35-year-old straight guy. I met a nice lady through the normal methods, and we hit it off and have grown closer. I think we are both considering “taking it to the next level.” We are on the same intellectual wavelength, enjoy the same social experiences, and have a lot of fun together. So what could be the problem? My friend decided it was the time to inform me that she is transgender, pre-op, and will not be having gender-reassignment surgery. This was quite a shock to me. I’m not homophobic, though I’ve never had a gay experience. I’m open-minded, yet there is a mental block. I like this person, I like our relationship thus far, and I want to continue this relationship. But I’m in a state of confusion. — Confused Over Complicating Knowledge
Lemme get this out of way first, COCK: The nice lady isn’t a man, so sex with her wouldn’t be a “gay experience” and homophobia isn’t the relevant term.
Moving on …
You’re a straight guy, you’re attracted to women, and some women — as you now know — have dicks. Are you into dick? Could you develop a taste for dick? Could you see yourself making an exception for her dick? It’s fine if “no” is the answer to one or all of these questions, COCK, and not being into dick doesn’t make you transphobic. Evan Urquhart, who writes about trans issues for Slate, argues that in addition to being gay, straight, bi, pan, demi, etc., some people are phallophiles and some are vaginophiles — that is, some people (perhaps most) have a strong preference for either partners with dicks or partners with vaginas. And some people — most people — want their dicks on men and their labia on/vaginas in women.
“There’s no shame in it, as long as it doesn’t come from a place of ignorance or hate,” Urquhart writes. “Mature adults should be able to talk plainly about their sexuality, particularly with prospective partners, in a way that doesn’t objectify or shame anyone who happens to be packing the non-preferred equipment.”
Some straight guys are really into dick (trans women with male partners usually aren’t partnered with gay men, and trans women who do sex work typically don’t have any gay male clients), some straight guys are willing to make an exception for a particular dick (after falling in love with a woman who has one), but most straight guys aren’t into dick (other than their own).
Since you’re confused about what to do, COCK, I would encourage you to continue dating this woman, keep an open mind, and keep taking things slow. You’ve got new information to process, and some things — or one thing — to think about before taking this relationship to the next level. But don’t drag it out. If you conclude that the dick is a deal breaker, end this relationship with compassion and alacrity. You don’t want to keep seeing her “to be nice” if you know a relationship isn’t possible. Because letting someone live in false hope is always a dick move.
On the Lovecast, Dan chats with Slate writer Mark Joseph Stern about left-wing anti-Semitism: savagelovecast.com.