ARIES (March 21-April 19):
According to my analysis of the astrological omens, you would be wise to ruffle and revise your relationship with time. It would be healthy for you to gain more freedom from its relentless demands; to declare at least some independence from its oppressive hold on you; to elude its push to impinge on every move you make. Here's a ritual you could do to spur your imagination: Smash a timepiece. I mean that literally. Go to the store and invest $20 in a hammer and alarm clock. Take them home and vociferously apply the hammer to the clock in a holy gesture of pure, righteous chastisement. Who knows? This bold protest might trigger some novel ideas about how to slip free from the imperatives of time for a few stolen hours each week.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
Promise me that you won't disrespect, demean, or neglect your precious body in the coming weeks. Promise me that you will treat it with tender compassion and thoughtful nurturing. Give it deep breaths, pure water, healthy and delicious food, sweet sleep, enjoyable exercise, and reverential sex. Such veneration is always recommended, of course — but it's especially crucial for you to attend to this noble work during the next four weeks. It's time to renew and revitalize your commitment to your soft warm animal self.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
Between 1967 and 1973, NASA used a series of Saturn V rockets to deliver six groups of American astronauts to the moon. Each massive vehicle weighed about 6.5-million pounds. The initial thrust required to launch it was tremendous. Gas mileage was seven inches per gallon. Only later, after the rocket flew farther from the grip of Earth's gravity, did the fuel economy improve. I'm guessing that in your own life, you may be experiencing something like that seven-inches-per-gallon feeling right now. But I guarantee you won't have to push this hard for long.
CANCER (June 21-July 22):
Mars, the planet that rules animal vitality and instinctual enthusiasm, will cruise through your astrological House of Synergy for much of the next five months. That's why I've concluded that between now and mid-November, your experience of togetherness can and should reach peak expression. Do you want intimacy to be robust and intense, sometimes bordering on rambunctious? It will be if you want it to be. Adventures in collaboration will invite you to wander out to the frontiers of your understanding about how relationships work best.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
Which astrological sign laughs hardest and longest and most frequently? I'm inclined to speculate that Sagittarius deserves the crown, with Leo and Gemini fighting it out for second place. But having said that, I suspect that in the coming weeks you Leos could rocket to the top of the chart, vaulting past Sagittarians. Not only are you likely to find everything funnier than usual; I bet you will also encounter more than the usual number of authentically humorous and amusing experiences. (P.S.: I hope you won't cling too fiercely to your dignity, because that would interfere with your full enjoyment of the cathartic cosmic gift.)
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
According to my analysis of the astrological omens, a little extra egotism might be healthy for you right now. A surge of super-confidence would boost your competence; it would also fine-tune your physical well-being and attract an opportunity that might not otherwise find its way to you. So, for example, consider the possibility of renting a billboard on which you put a giant photo of yourself with a tally of your accomplishments and a list of your demands. The cosmos and I won't have any problem with you bragging more than usual or asking for more goodies than you're usually content with.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
The coming weeks will be a favorable time for happy endings to sad stories, and for the emergence of efficient solutions to convoluted riddles. I bet it will also be a phase when you can perform some seemingly clumsy magic that dispatches a batch of awkward karma. Hooray! Hallelujah! Praise Goo! But now listen to my admonition, Libra: The coming weeks won't be a good time to toss and turn in your bed all night long thinking about what you might have done differently in the month of May. Honor the past by letting it go.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
"Dear Dr. Astrology: In the past four weeks, I have washed all 18 of my underpants four times. Without exception, every single time, each item has been inside-out at the end of the wash cycle. This is despite the fact that most of them were not inside-out when I threw them in the machine. Does this weird anomaly have some astrological explanation? - Upside-Down Scorpio." Dear Scorpio: Yes. Lately your planetary omens have been rife with reversals, inversions, flip-flops, and switchovers. Your underpants situation is a symptom of the bigger forces at work. Don't worry about those bigger forces, though. Ultimately, I think you'll be glad for the renewal that will emerge from the various turnabouts.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
As I sat down to meditate on your horoscope, a hummingbird flew in my open window. Scrambling to herd it safely back outside, I knocked my iPad on the floor, which somehow caused it to open a link to a Youtube video of an episode of the TV game show Wheel of Fortune, where the hostess Vanna White, garbed in a long red gown, revealed that the word puzzle solution was USE IT OR LOSE IT. So what does this omen mean? Maybe this: You'll be surprised by a more-or-less delightful interruption that compels you to realize that you had better start taking greater advantage of a gift or blessing that you've been lazy or slow to capitalize on.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
You're in a phase when you'll be smart to bring more light and liveliness into the work you do. To spur your efforts, I offer the following provocations. 1. "When I work, I relax. Doing nothing makes me tired." - Pablo Picasso. 2. "Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognize them." - Ann Landers. 3. "Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work." - Aristotle. 4. "Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep." - Scott Adams. 5. "Working hard and working smart can sometimes be two different things." - Byron Dorgan. 6. "Don't stay in bed unless you can make money in bed." - George Burns. 7. "Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work." - Mark Twain.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
"There isn't enough of anything as long as we live," said poet and short-story writer Raymond Carver. "But at intervals a sweetness appears and, given a chance, prevails." My reading of the astrological omens suggests that the current phase of your cycle is one of those intervals, Aquarius. In light of this grace period, I have some advice for you, courtesy of author Anne Lamott: "You weren't born a person of cringe and contraction. You were born as energy, as life, made of the same stuff as stars, blossoms, breezes. You learned contraction to survive, but that was then." Surrender to the sweetness, dear Aquarius.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):
Between you and your potential new power spot is an imaginary ten-foot-high, electrified fence. It's composed of your least charitable thoughts about yourself and your rigid beliefs about what's impossible for you to accomplish. Is there anything you can do to deal with this inconvenient illusion? I recommend that you call on Mickey Rat, the cartoon superhero in your dreams who knows the difference between destructive destruction and creative destruction. Maybe as he demonstrates how enjoyable it could be to tear down the fence, you'll be inspired to join in the fun.