Screw 'The Great Gatsby,' this is the great American novel


Sure, maybe Fitzgerald's masterpiece dissects our tendency to confuse wealth hording for personal growth and our constant obsession with a golden-hued past that probably never really existed, but can you stick your dick in it and have your significant other complete a maze around it? Not without a pen-knife and some serious drinking you can't, and that's a dangerous combination when old Uncle Wiggly's involved.

You might argue that anyone who'd consider completing a connect-the-dots picture of an elephant with your junk standing in for the trunk as acceptable foreplay (I'm assuming this is what you're using this for, right? I think that's the least horrifying possibility.) lacks the cognitive capacity to participate in truly consensual sex, but don't bug me with your logic while I'm making the snake dance.

I'd love to review this book, but my requests around the office for someone to, um, play stand in while I read it have been met with blank stares and sexual harrassment lawsuits. The easiest, least likely to get me arrested solution I can come up with would be for me to fill in the gap and have my wife write the review, but I'm afraid her scathing, bitter, and probably very hurtful critique would have little to do with the book.

Buy it for $11 at Amazon, where it's apparently commonly purchased with Design Revolution: 100 Products That Empower People