Grammy nominations are back, and more irrelevant than ever

The Grammy nominees were announced today, and yeah, the choices are lame, and MTV doesn't play videos anymore and grocery-store shopping carts always have one wheel out of whack and airline food is substandard. But seriously, folks, last year's pretty decent list gave us false hope. I can remember reading a review for Trail of Dead's Century of Self that semi-seriously predicted "Fields of Coal" would be the next song to be performed at the Grammy Awards ceremony with USC marching band, a la Radiohead.

But nobody making Grammy nominations knows who Trail of Dead is. I'm starting to doubt they even listen to music. I understand the late-as-hell nods to luminaries like Dylan and Byrne (though no amount of accolades for their late-period works will ever make up for the fact that you were giving awards to Barbra Streisand and Barry Manilow while these guys were writing history), but when you're seriously honoring Seal and the Pet Shop Boys in 2010, you should call it a day while you can still catch the early bird special in the sky.

It's almost to the point where winning a Grammy is a mild insult, like a "you no longer matter" certificate. These acts should probably start looking over their shoulders, then: Green Day, Jay-Z, Beyonce, Kanye West, Kings of Leon, Jason Mraz. Just kidding, Jason, you never mattered to anyone. An incomplete list is below. Go here for all the classical music and other boring shit.

Record Of The Year

"Halo," Beyoncé Knowles

"I Gotta Feeling," The Black Eyed Peas

"Use Somebody," Kings Of Leon

"Poker Face," Lady Gaga

"You Belong With Me," Taylor Swift

Album Of The Year

I Am... Sasha Fierce, Beyoncé

The E.N.D., The Black Eyed Peas

The Fame, Lady Gaga

Big Whiskey And The Groogrux King, Dave Matthews Band

Fearless, Taylor Swift

Song Of The Year

"Poker Face," Lady Gaga

"Pretty Wings," Maxwell

"Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)," Beyoncé

"Use Somebody," Kings Of Leon

"You Belong With Me," Taylor Swift

Best New Artist

Zac Brown Band

Keri Hilson

MGMT

Silversun Pickups

The Ting Tings

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance

Hometown Glory, Adele

Halo, Beyoncé

Hot N Cold, Katy Perry

Sober, Pink

You Belong With Me, Taylor Swift

Best Male Pop Vocal Performance

This Time, John Legend

Love You, Maxwell

Make It Mine, Jason Mraz

If You Don't Know Me By Now, Seal

All About The Love Again, Stevie Wonder

Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals

I Gotta Feeling, The Black Eyed Peas

We Weren't Born To Follow, Bon Jovi

Never Say Never, The Fray

Sara Smile, Daryl Hall & John Oates

Kids, MGMT

Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals

Sea Of Heartbreak, Rosanne Cash & Bruce Springsteen

Love Sex Magic, Ciara & Justin Timberlake

Lucky, Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat

Baby, It's Cold Outside, Willie Nelson & Norah Jones

Breathe, Taylor Swift & Colbie Caillat

Best Pop Instrumental Performance

Besame Mucho, Herb Alpert

Throw Down Your Heart, Béla Fleck

The Fire, Imogen Heap

Phoenix Rise, Maxwell

Funk Joint, Marcus Miller

Best Pop Instrumental Album

In Boston, Chris Botti

Legacy, Hiroshima

Potato Hole, Booker T. Jones

Modern Art, The Rippingtons Featuring Russ Freeman

Down The Wire, Spyro Gyra

Best Pop Vocal Album

The E.N.D., The Black Eyed Peas

Breakthrough, Colbie Caillat

All I Ever Wanted, Kelly Clarkson

The Fray, The Fray

Funhouse, Pink

Best Dance Recording

Boom Boom Pow, The Black Eyed Peas

When Love Takes Over, David Guetta & Kelly Rowland

Poker Face, Lady Gaga

Celebration, Madonna

Womanizer, Britney Spears

Best Electronic/Dance Album

Divided By Night, The Crystal Method

One Love, David Guetta

The Fame, Lady Gaga

Party Rock, LMFAO

Yes, Pet Shop Boys

Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album

A Swingin' Christmas, Tony Bennett

Michael Bublé Meets Madison Square Garden, Michael Bublé

Your Songs, Harry Connick, Jr.

Liza's At The Palace, Liza Minnelli

American Classic, Willie Nelson

Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance

Beyond Here Lies Nothin', Bob Dylan

Change In The Weather, John Fogerty

Dreamer, Prince

Working On A Dream, Bruce Springsteen

Fork In The Road, Neil Young

Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals

Can't Find My Way Home, Eric Clapton & Steve Winwood

Life In Technicolor II, Coldplay

21 Guns, Green Day

Use Somebody, Kings Of Leon

I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight, U2

Best Hard Rock Performance

War Machine, AC/DC

Check My Brain, In Chains

What I've Done, Linkin Park

The Unforgiven III, Metallica

Burn It To The Ground, Nickelback

Best Metal Performance

Dissident Aggressor, Judas Priest

Set To Fail, Lamb Of God

Head Crusher, Megadeth

Señor Peligro, Ministry

Hate Worldwide, Slayer

Best Rock Instrumental Performance

A Day In The Life, Jeff Beck

Warped Sister, Booker T. Jones

Playing With Fire, Brad Paisley

Mr. Surfer Goes Jazzin', Brian Setzer Orchestra

Now We Run, Steve Vai

Best Rock Song

The Fixer, Pearl Jam

I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight, U2

21 Guns, Green Day

Use Somebody, Kings Of Leon

Working On A Dream, Bruce Springsteen

Best Rock Album

Black Ice, AC/DC

Live From Madison Square Garden, Eric Clapton & Steve Winwood

21st Century Breakdown, Green Day

Big Whiskey And The Groogrux King, Dave Matthews Band

No Line On The Horizon, U2

Best Alternative Music Album

Everything That Happens Will Happen Today, David Byrne & Brian Eno

The Open Door, Death Cab For Cutie

Sounds Of The Universe, Depeche Mode

Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, Phoenix

It's Blitz!, Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Best Rap Solo Performance

Best I Ever Had, Drake

Beautiful, Eminem

D.O.A. (Death Of Auto-Tune), Jay-Z

Day 'N' Nite, Kid Cudi

Casa Bey, Mos Def

Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group

Too Many Rappers, Beastie Boys & Nas

Crack A Bottle, Eminem, Dr. Dre & 50 Cent

Money Goes, Honey Stay, Fabolous & Jay-Z

Make Her Say, Kid Cudi, Kanye West & Common

Amazing, Kanye West & Young Jeezy

Best Rap/Sung Collaboration

Ego, Beyoncé & Kanye West

Knock You Down, Keri Hilson, Kanye West & Ne-Yo

Run This Town, Jay-Z, Rihanna & Kanye West

I'm On A Boat, The Lonely Island & T-Pain

Dead And Gone, T.I. & Justin Timberlake

Best Rap Song

Best I Ever Had, Drake

Day 'N' Nite, Kid Cudi

Dead And Gone, T.I. & Justin Timberlake

D.O.A. (Death Of Auto-Tune)

Run This Town, Jay-Z, Rihanna & Kanye West

Best Rap Album

Universal Mind Control, Common

Relapse, Eminem

R.O.O.T.S., Flo Rida

The Ecstatic, Mos Def

The Renaissance, Q-Tip

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