by Callie Enlow
1. If You're From SA and/or Love Synthesizers: "A Synthesizer for Christmas"—Hyperbubble
Actually, you don't even need to be from San Antonio or particularly in love with synthesizers to find this claymation video as charming as the song is catchy. In fact, the Christmas song might be the perfect vehicle for Hyperbubble, the duo's made quite a career out of turning the typically twee or cheesy genre of synth-pop on its head with clever lyrics and compulsively listenable melodies. As animated synthesizers (created by SA native and current CalArts animation student Ambar Navarro) engage in traditional holiday activities, Jessica and Jeff DeCuir coo "Don't want to deck the halls/ please don't take me to the mall/ All I want is/ a synthesizer for Christmas."
After digesting this delightful little vid, you might find yourself price-comparing Moogs for your special someone.
2. If You Need to Entertain Multiple Generations: "It Must Be Santa"—Bob Dylan
Ack! You're hosting Christmas Eve dinner for the entire fam, or have gramma and gramps over to watch the kids rip through their presents Christmas morn, and for whatever reason, you're running late. Distract everyone for almost three minutes with this awesome Bob Dylan video, appropriate for anyone with a pulse. The song (as arranged by, I can't point out enough, Denton, TX, nuclear polka pioneers Brave Combo) is as joyful as you're gonna hear Bob, maybe ever, and the video is an expertly produced, almost dizzying tour through a raucous holiday party in which Dylan gamely dances around, pours drinks and hangs with Santa.
3. If You HATE the Holidays...: "Oh Come All Ye Faithful"—Twisted Sister
...And you're not gonna take it anymore, dammit, check out this Sisterfied classic. As Snider sneers "Oh come let us adore him!" like he stumbled into the manger after a bender in Bethlehem, the accompanying video shows the band terrorizing an uptight woman and her nerdy husband as they attempt a quiet night in by the Christmas tree. It all ends with everyone headbanging and flashing the sign of the horns, which is the metal-as-fuck way to welcome Santa down the chimney. And the best part is, inexplicably Twisted Sister decided to hound this couple the following year, with an even crazier home invasion set to a shreddy "Silver Bells."
4. If You're Sick of Fat, White Santa: "Christmas in Hollis"—Run DMC
White Santa is so passe. That's probably why FOX News, proud defender of imaginary 1950s-era family values, is so desperate to keep the tradition as pale as freshly driven snow (and as cold, too). Warm your heart with this fun, shoestring-budget video of a black Santa and his "ill reindeer" (just a dog with some antlers, but adorable!). When Run DMC find Santa's wallet with $1 million in it near their Queens neighborhood, instead of buying a boat or a fancy car with it ("that ain't right"), they mail it back to him, and are rewarded, big time, by Santa. Then they hang with moms, because "that's what Christmas is all about," no matter who you are.
5. If You're Stoned (and Alone): "Christmas Wapping" (Lightorama 16 Channel)—The Waitresses
"Oh ... shit. It's Christmas, dude?" Look, how you spend your PTO is your business, and if you want to spend Christmas morning wake and baking instead of opening presents, in the words of the Pope (pretty sure he coined the phrase this year) "who are we to judge?"
What we can do is direct you to this fantastic video of Christmas lights twinkling to the beat of the Waitresses' insta-classic "Christmas Wrapping." The 16 channel light display will entrance you, while the Waitresses' deadpan, couldn't-give-a-fuck-less delivery of a song about skipping Christmas because they're tired will make you feel better about forgetting the holiday.