The success of Avatar prompted Clash of the Titans filmmakers to delay its release until they could convert it into 3-D. The process cost $5 million, and the end product reportedly lacks Avatar’s incredible depth and texture (check out our review at sacurrent.com on Friday to find out for sure). SlashFilm’s Peter Sciretta writes: “At times the characters appeared to stand out like cardboard cutouts, while other times they appeared to be graphed to a computer generated 3D model, and it just looked odd.” But there’s something far worse lurking among those flat, unnatural-looking CGI effects — unforgivable blasphemy.
Don’t be fooled by the movie’s spectacle, fellow believers. Just like the original Clash of the Titans, this movie’s true purpose is to poison the minds of children and other mental feebs with false religion. Below is a believer’s guide to this aberration with the counterpoints to its nonsense helpfully boldfaced and in all caps, so you know they’re right. Scream them at theater-going families this weekend, and let them know the true meaning of Greek Orthodoxy.
1. ZEUS IS NOT A PERV
True evidence that we are living at the end of times, friends, Clash of the Titans will only further propagate the heresy that Perseus is the son of Zeus, conceived when he appeared to the princess Danaë against the wishes of her father, King Acrisius of Argos, in her chambers in the guise of a shower of gold. Puhlease. The studied Zeussian will laugh this accusation off, realizing the ignorance in the idea that the one true Olympian God (or at least the one with the most impressive flowing white beard) would be the initiator of such a repulsive act of minearality. While our beloved Thunder God has been known to impregnate a woman in the form of a swan or a conspicuously silver-tongued rutabaga, he has never in recorded history strayed beyond the categories of animal or vegetable. That’s just gross. And if we’re talking about a shower of gold, I think we all know who’s into water sports — Poseidon. Perseus clearly has been fathered by one of Zeus’s rivals as an anti-Hercules, sent to confuse the world before the actual son of god (the only one to star in an animated Disney film) can return to complete his 13th labor (stealing the golden deodorant stick from the hideous dozen-headed Garganchator). That’s just common sense, people.
2. THE RIDDLE OF CALIBOS WAS STUPID
In the original film, the answer to the riddle asked of Perseus when he courts Princess Andromeda is the freaking severed hand of the monster Calibos, which he throws at Andromeda’s feet. How is that even a riddle? That’s like claiming the punchline to your knock-knock joke is filing a police report falsely accusing the listener of breaking and entering. Not only is it not playing fair, it shows a complete misunderstanding of the entire concept.
Andromeda: Say Perseus, what’s black and white and red all over?
Perseus: Recently amputated hand! Hot potato!
If Zeus fathered Perseus, he’d clearly been drinking.
3. PERSEUS DIDN’T KILL MEDUSA
Forensic evidence points to a grisly shampooing mishap. Fuller body be damned; when you’ve got snakes for hair you better stick to No More Tears. And speaking of evidence, the legend that Perseus used Medusa’s head to transform the Kraken into a statue is completely unsupported by archeology. Wake up. Where are all the giant chunks of stoned Kraken, Perseus? And if the reflection of a living Medusa can’t turn you to stone, there’s no way her lifeless head would do anything at all. That’s why you can’t see vampires in the mirror, but you can see Bloody Mary. That’s what some guy said to me, anyway, as I was waiting to catch the bus. And who, besides him, are you willing to trust?
4. PERSEUS IS A TOTAL PERV
The sad fact of the matter is Perseus was waiting on the dock of the bay expectantly for the Kraken, whom he hoped desperately to impregnate toward the completion of some sort of tentacle-baby world-domination plot. The age-old saying, “If you’re attempting to seduce a Kraken, you’re on the wrong track, pal,” holds true in this case, further indication that Poseidon’s genes are inferior to Zeus’s. Dude practically chose to be Aquaman, for God’s sake. Even little kids on the playground know better. Point is, the Kraken ain’t ready for that kind of commitment, and, the movie never comes right out and states it explicitly, but Edith Hamilton’s Mythology heavily implies that the Kraken’s genitalia feature suckers where there should be no suckers. Way to think that one through, Perseus.
5. THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY NEW MEDICATION
Forget Perseus. Why does my homemade centaur just lie there?