It is with deep pain in my heart that I write to you today to confess my transgressions.
Some of you are familiar with the allegations that have been made in past years â?? that I have been downplaying or exaggerating key elements of climate-change science. While I've long denied such accusations, and enjoyed the full support of my employer while doing so, an assertive reader appears to have hacked our email server this past weekend and begun to circulate the below email.
It's an email telling a very different story and I admit it does not show me in my best light. So I fully understand why in the coming year I'll either be working as Jeremy Martin's body double during his Live and Local exploits or changing out the Current floor coverings at Chun's Double-Deep Tissue Massage & Septic Spa. In an attempt to redeem myself and rise again into the literate ranks, I've written an essay in this week's edition that stays as closely as possible to established science (See “Global Warning,” 12/29/09).
In the interests of total transparency, I've been asked to republish, unedited, the hacked email that has led to my current, deserved downgrade. As you read it, I hope you will remember me in better days: when we used to joke about the Berlin Wall and machinegun turrets rising in South Texas, the exciting plagues Homeland Security's N-BAF offered us, or the foot-rubbing parties at Bexar County's Adult Probation.
Yours, Utterly Exposed,
To: head cheese
Date: Sun, Dec 27, 2009 at 6:66 pm
Subject: conspiracy unraveling?
As you are aware, with the cooperation of certain parties in the San Antonio print media cabal, we've managed to keep the South Texas populace in a twist over climate-change science and the expected severity thereof. This confusion will best serve our Overlords of the Immaculate Lab Coats (OIL-C) in achieving a flashpoint of societal breakdown once “tipping points” are achieved and resource wars arrive.
I am concerned, however, about increasing pressure by local climate activists that the attached letter (attributed to a variety of OIL-C agencies) be published. Without proper context, this apparently stark affirmation of climate change may undo our progress to date. Therefore, I have suggested to Mimms, Gurwitz, and Bragg at the Express-News (all of whom have been so useful in sowing confusion) that we highlight the following facts.
First, readers must know that prominently coded in this statement is the word “hoax.” Beginning in slot 26 with the letter “H,” it is 15 additional spaces to the “O,” and 8 to the “A.” These numbers were not chosen at random and I will be working to divine their deeper meanings. Interestingly, “X” is cleverly hidden deep in the second paragraph within the word “extreme,” which obviously these times are.
Also, the total character count â?? 1,642 â?? is clearly a reference to the year of the Cinq Mars Conspiracy that sought to end the powerful influence of Cardinal Richelieu (a power puppeteer like today's Al Gore) before King Louis XIII (a stand-in for the power elite of OIL-C?).
Until we agree on proper message management, I will be working to ensure the following statement is NOT referenced in any area media.
awaiting your informed instructionâ?¦
October 21, 2009
Dear Senator ________:
As you consider climate change legislation, we, as leaders of scientific organizations, write to state the consensus scientific view.
Observations throughout the world make it clear that climate change is occurring, and rigorous scientific research demonstrates that the greenhouse gases emitted by human activities are the primary driver. These conclusions are based on multiple independent lines of evidence, and contrary assertions are inconsistent with an objective assessment of the vast body of peer-reviewed science. Moreover, there is strong evidence that ongoing climate change will have broad impacts on society, including the global economy and on the environment. For the United States, climate change impacts include sea level rise for coastal states, greater threats of extreme weather events, and increased risk of regional water scarcity, urban heat waves, western wildfires, and the disturbance of biological systems throughout the country. The severity of climate change impacts is expected to increase substantially in the coming decades.
If we are to avoid the most severe impacts of climate change, emissions of greenhouse gases must be dramatically reduced. In addition, adaptation will be necessary to address those impacts that are already unavoidable. Adaptation efforts include improved infrastructure design, more sustainable management of water and other natural resources, modified agricultural practices, and improved emergency responses to storms, floods, fires and heat waves. We in the scientific community offer our assistance to inform your deliberations as you seek to address the impacts of climate change.
American Chemical Society
American Geophysical Union
American Institute of Biological Sciences
American Meteorological Society
American Society of Agronomy
American Society of Plant Biologists
American Statistical Association
Association of Ecosystem Research Centers
Botanical Society of America
Crop Science Society of America
Ecological Society of America
Natural Science Collections Alliance
Organization of Biological Field Stations
Society for Industrial and Applied Mathematics
Society of Systematic Biologists
Soil Science Society of America
University Corporation for Atmospheric Research