It’s important that you know this comes from a place of love. You are, by far, the most interesting female pop star working right now, I don’t care how much weight Lady Gaga gains or loses. Thank you, especially, for bringing “Die Young” to Top 40 radio. That is one of my top five songs I could listen to over and over and over again, and the other four will never, ever see the right side of an FM radio dial. I also applaud your willingness to smell “like shrimp in a diaper” (and confess it to multiple media outlets), dress like the star-child of Liza Minelli and Oscar the Grouch, and put booze and penis above almost anything except your work. You are sending a message to millions of young girls and boys that you don’t necessarily have to be fuckable or demure or even classy to become an international superstar, which is something not even Black Eyed Peas’ Fergie could accomplish, though God knows she tried.
But, K-Dollar, it’s recently been reported that you hate reading about yourself in the press (sorry!), because of all your wild antics. I think it’s time we acknowledge that personal decision-making may not be your strong suit. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot about you that’s awesome. But you’ve made some awful choices, too. Let’s review them, and then drink enough warm wine coolers and Budweisers that we instantly forget them.
The gold tooth:
Awesome. Everyone in the entertainment business has fake teeth, at least Ke$ha owns it.
The cornrows from the “Crazy Kids” video:
Awful. When I was 11, I got cornrows on a cruise ship. Then I got a sunburn on the exposed parts of my scalp that made me look like I had dandruff for two weeks. For that reason, cornrows on white people are generally a bad idea.
Not wearing pants:
Awesome. From the other side of 30, let me tell you, Ke$ha has maybe five years left with legs like that. Flaunt it while you got it.
Allowing your brother and his “weird friend” (as per a Radio 1 interview) to film you for two-and-a-half years:
Awesome. If my little brother and his weird friend wanted to film me I’d be all “get the fuck out of my room, dork, or I’m telling Moooooom!” But Ke$ha’s resulting tour documentary My Crazy Beautiful Life for MTV, is fun, honest, and compulsively watchable.
Drinking your own pee, as Ke$ha did on an episode of My Crazy Beautiful Life:
Awful. It confuses your kidneys, since you’re re-ingesting stuff they told your body to piss out, and Ke$ha’s kidneys are probably already working double-time on the toxin-eliminating front.
Airing the pee-drinking moment on television:
Awesome. Lighten up, Parents Television Council!
Having free booze and a free tattoo artist at your birthday party last year:
Awful. Lots of alcohol equals thinner blood, which pushes out the ink, leaving you with a hangover and a crappy, faded-out tattoo.
Giving Andrew W.K. and Wayne Coyne tattoos:
Awesome. Ke$ha has her own tattoo gun, and likes to give out prison/playground-style tats.
Having a glitter roadie, as detailed in a Time magazine interview:
Awesome. That is living the dream.
Recording “Die Young” without using your Jack Daniels-fueled mystic powers to foresee that the same month its accompanying album drops, 20 children would in fact, die young in the Sandy Hook Elementary School tragedy:
Awesome. We covered this, “Die Young” is a fantastic song. It suffered some unfortunate timing, but that’s nothing to apologize for. Which leads me to…
Claiming that you were forced to record the offending “Die Young” lyrics:
Awful. Many of us have tried to throw someone else under the bus at some point, but this move was a direct contradiction to Ke$ha’s “Warrior” stance. She later clarified that no one forced her to record the lyrics, but she did have reservations during the songwriting process.
Titling your newest song “Machine Gun Love:”
Awful. That seems kind of tone deaf (see above) unless it’s the kind of love that is so potentially fatal that Congress has a fierce debate over whether or not to regulate it.
The song, however:
Awesome; like a Heart deep track. Maybe this is the influence of the Flaming Lips, now Ke$ha collaborators, whose last several albums have veered toward ’70s-style arena rock.