There are bad roommates, the kind who leave passive-aggressive sticky notes on everything and don’t pick up after themselves. Every dorm dweller has had to deal with one. But then there’s a special breed of roommate that can make college seem like a no-stress, zero-tears breeze compared to coming home to these bad boys (or girls).
Whether they’re somehow crafting a bong out of your expensive philosophy textbook or treating the dorm like a sexually liberated nudist colony, here are some roommates who make hell a place on earth.
Decades of pop culture teaches us that the Stoner is a slob, food mooch and TV hog all rolled into one joint of a person. In reality, this is probably the most benign roommate archetype on this list. Usually, like animated stoner pioneer Shaggy Rogers, the stoner is known to have a king’s gold worth of munchies stashed in the secret mini fridge hidden behind their bed. But they’ll usually end up sharing a few Twinkies with you by the end of a Seth Rogan marathon — if all the snack treats weren’t eaten during the first 21 minutes of Pineapple Express, that is. But if the beyond-average weed consumption — dab creating, edibles baking, joint rolling — gets out of control, just tell your hash-stained roomie a 420 swap meet is going down on the opposite side of town. That should allow you an escape from the blunt smoke.
The Gym Rat
You’ve heard about these keratin shake fanatics on Gymtimidation ads, but they exist in real life and living with one could make your college experience — and eating habits — a living hell. Loving your bod is a beautiful thing, but being shamed for gorging on that deep-dish pepperoni pizza is downright wrong. Live with this guy/gal, and you won’t be able eat hamburgers for breakfast anymore. They’ll never let you live down that one time you downed a can of frosting after a stressful test. The noisy blender will be constantly whipping up protein shakes at all times of the day and night. The upside is that the Gym Rat can’t fit the gym in the dorm room, so while they’re out working on their fitness, no one will see that whole tub of cookie dough disappear.
The Rock Star
The fun wears off with this one as soon as the dorm’s destroyed like a hotel room in a Cameron Crowe movie. Who doesn’t love living with someone moodier than Kurt Cobain and more arrogant than Axl Rose? When they’re not forcing you to stroke their mega ego, Rock Star tries to hawk his or her (but most likely his) merch to your unsuspecting friends. As if band practice in a tiny room or apartment wasn’t bad enough.
Probably a Serial Killer
Sure, this guy seems charming and normal at first. Then they just seem a bit eccentric — odd, awkward maybe, but harmless. Then you learn of their affinity for Charles Manson or find out about their celeb crush on Ted Bundy and Aileen Wuornos. Maybe there’s a bestselling true crime novel in there somewhere if you just stick it out.