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Cedar Conspiracy: from God to Big Pharma to TOMS


Right now, my eyes are puffy. I’m delusional from allergy medicine, my throat caked in harsh mucus, my nose whistling from the small pinpoint hole that’s slowly seeping what oxygen I can muster into my lungs. Basically, my face feels like it’s being raped by Slimer from Ghostbusters. Rape – such a strong word to attribute to a sinus infection! Yes, but the millions of people suffering with me can easily empathize with aggressive sexual violation — be it by pop culture ghosts or by the heartless bitch we call Mother Nature. What’s the best advice we’re told every year to handle this affliction? “Stay indoors.” Are you fucking kidding me?! That’s the best medical advice science can come up with? Hide?! I can’t think right because of this goddamn tree plague! I’m actually just waiting for medieval men pulling carts littered with the bodies of those suffering from "cedar fever" to clear out my miserably affected corpse from this god-forsaken, pollen-soaked shit-hole town. They can make a seedless grape, genetically engineer wheat to grow in sand, but they can’t make tree dander so it doesn't fuck my entire nervous system? What else you got — oh yeah — the Neti pot! Great, let’s use outdated Chinese technology that does nothing but make more room for more pollen. Awesome. From the pills to the shots, all of it just proves one thing to us all: There is no God. I refuse to believe that "perfect and holy in every way" would include this sinus menace. Still, God or no God, all we can do is just take it. Four to six months out of every year we have to suffer like battered wives obsessing over the right way to scramble eggs. Breathing the one week’s worth of fresh air we get to enjoy before the ravages of the juniper trees and whatever mass grave is burning in Mexico descends upon us. I got nothing here people. No answers, only questions. No real solutions. All I do know for sure is that the next hippie who hassles me about carbon imprints, air pollutants, and mans' affect on the environment outside a Whole Foods parking lot – I’m gonna blast a snot rocket on him so intense that it soaks him from his patchy beard all the way down to his over-priced Toms. Then again, maybe that’s the point. Maybe this is all just a government conspiracy. Maybe all those lingering chem-trails littering our skies are the exact reason we feel this way. Designed by the select few who control the puppet strings of politicians we fool ourselves into believing actually lead us. Think long and hard about this. Because of this cedar affliction, I’m afraid to leave my house, I have deep trouble concentrating on anything, all my money goes to Big Pharma for drugs that never cure and I wish complete and total death to all hippies. Is it so farfetched to believe that Cedar Fever only benefits a shadowy, Illuminati-like power elite bent on building a slavish Utopia for their own devices and pleasures? For those who suffer this illness like me – I can only assume it isn’t.


Swiss Army Robot is a satirical column written by Jay Whitecotton and is intended to be taken as seriously as possible. You can find him on Facebook and Write him at

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