Thanks to its awesomely lengthy title, the viewer knows two things going into Attack Girls Swim Team Versus the Undead. First: The plot most likely involves a girls’ swim team battling a zombie horde (it does). And second: This film absolutely has to be Japanese (and, boy, is it ever).
Amazingly, what the movie’s title, and even the chainsaw-wielding swimmer on the cover, inadequately express is just how thoroughly shit-house-rat insane Attack Girls actually is.
The concept of cute little Japanese ladies in schoolgirl outfits dismembering the walking dead seems designed specifically to give lonely, acne-scarred fat dudes boners, and the film offers enough softcore shower scenes and clumpy, stringy gore to distract its creepy demographic from downloading Hentai videos for 90 minutes or so. But the sparseness of the film’s non-plot — in the guise of preventing a mysterious virus, a mad scientist injects an entire high school with a radioactive-looking serum that turns them into flesh-hungry zombies, and, naturally, it’s up to the girl’s swim team to stop them — allows for tasteless tangents galore, and in true stereotypical J-porn fashion, the freaky sex is way more horrifying than the attempts at actual horror.
Without spoiling Attack Girls too much for those of you wanting to spoil the film by watching it yourselves, let’s just say that a teacher perforating a man’s skull with a pair of scissors and pulling his brain tissue like taffy is not nearly so disgusting as a woman vomiting through a ball-gag, and not nearly as deeply unsettling as the nubile schoolgirl who seduces her best friend by regurgitating soup into her mouth and, after a lengthy finger-banging session, informs her that they may very well be twins separated at birth. Ick. And I’d prefer not to discuss the flute rape scenes with anyone other than a licensed therapist, but don’t say you weren’t warned.