My friend “Jill”’s husband “Jim” is gay. His personality is a dead giveaway and I know women who are more masculine than him. Everyone can tell but Jill. Our circle of friends cannot agree if we should tell her or how. Do we confront Jim? She is talking about having kids soon and I just can’t bear to think of the heartbreak that will follow if he leaves her and his family for a man. I don’t think there is anything wrong with homosexuality, but it could cause a lot of trouble and unnecessary pain in their lives if Jill and Jim don’t confront this issue now.
— Inspector Clouseau
Dear Bumbling Inspector,
Every day I come home and tell my little dog Julio that he is crazy. He runs in a cute little circle and wags his tail in agreement. Sometimes I tell my boyfriend that he is a big homo. And he laughs. Why? Because I know the facts. I have seen my dog jump off the second-story balcony and I have biblical knowledge of my boyfriend’s gayness. Unless “Jim” has told you or you have personally seen him engage in gay sex, you don’t “know” anything. I would be wary of confronting or telling anyone what you think you know. Don’t make trouble where it doesn’t exist.
Now that being said, let’s consider Jim’s masculinity and why you should mind your own effin’ business. In the gay world, the term “to pass” means to read as not gay. This is basically a blessing because people suck. People like you who talk about their “friend’s” husbands behind their backs. People like me who “pass” and make fun of ladies’ husbands who are effeminate. There are real bigots out there, so we need to lay off. (And if you go see that stupid Adam Sandler film about gay marriage, you are going to gay hell.)
So let Jim and Jill make their babies, keep a gimp in the basement, decorate with Thomas Kinkade paintings, and collect snow globes. It’s their life, no matter how gay (or not) it might be.
Your Uncle Mat
P.S. If Jim does turn out to be gay, be supportive of Jill and write me an “I told you so” letter.
My girlfriend and I recently moved in together. She and I have similar large builds and when I came home the other evening, she was wearing my tighty whities. At first I was a little disturbed, but she said it made her feel sexy and she wanted to “do it” right then while she had them on. I was really turned on by screwing her in my own underwear, and she also loved it. Now she wears my underwear all the time. I think this is a fetish and my girlfriend is kinky. Maybe I am, too. Does this make me a little gay because I like to have sex with my girlfriend in men’s underwear? She jokingly (I think) suggested I try hers on last week. I don’t want to. What if she asks again?
— Freaked out in Panty Land
Dear Panty Land,
Congratulations! First, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. If your girlfriend asks you to put on her unmentionables again, just tell her you do not feel comfortable with it. Discuss other ways you might experiment in your sex life. There isn’t anything wrong with having an underwear fetish as long as you both enjoy it. Have fun, be safe, and be happy you and your woman are connecting. Focus on the positive. You’re getting some in the convenience of your own home! And she likes it!
I don’t know if you are a little gay. What do you think about when you are screwing your girlfriend in your underwear? I am pretty sure that hot sex with your girlfriend is not gay. You might find sex with her in a prison jumpsuit hot as well. Again, focus on the positive. Sex with your girlfriend is fun and frequent — not many couples have that. A little kink can be great and stimulate a greater sense of intimacy. Try not to objectify the sex and continue to connect and communicate with your girlfriend and live happily ever after. In Panty Land.
Much love and a little kink,
Your Uncle Mat •
Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at dear
email@example.com or Myspace.com/yourunclemat. Your true identity is safe with him.