I met this guy just over a year ago. We have since become really good friends. When we first met we intended on it being a purely physical thing, as we met via gay.com. However, since our initial meeting we have become the closest of friends and I am still very attracted to him. I have talked to him several times about becoming more than just friends and each time he says he is not ready to be “more than friends.” Yet somehow his actions don’t match his words. We have kissed, had oral sex, fooled around, and plenty of PDA. For a while now I have been taking a back seat and pursuing him quite calmly and relaxed. I do not wish to push him away or lose his friendship because I do appreciate him. So should I back off or take the chance? Continue trying to “play the field” or see if something between us might develop?
— Perplexed by love
P.S. Love your column. It is a pleasure to read every week.
Good taste in reading doesn’t always lead to good taste in men. Just kidding, the guy might be Mr. Wonderful — it’s just your situation that is jacked. There is this saying that has something to do with buying a cow and free milk. I’m sure you are familiar with it. Any advice that compares you to livestock isn’t the best, but holds some truth. There is a really good chance that after a year of a close friendship with benefits and still no interest in making it official, he isn’t interested. Let it go. Cut off the PDAs, blowjobs, making out, and whatever else “fooling around” means in your relationship. This might catch his attention. If it doesn’t, then it is the first step you need to take in moving on.
You are not ending the friendship; you are just changing the definition. This will take some effort and willpower on your part. You love him, you love his penis, his penis loves you, he might love you. Old habits die hard. Be strong. If he starts to lose interest in your friendship when you take away the sex, then he’s a dog and you need a new friend. Hopefully this is not the case. A lot of perfectly swell guys will sleep with just about any nice person who willingly offers them sex in a morally undefined situation. Your friend’s actions totally match his words. You ask for a relationship, he says no, you still sleep with him. Stop being easy.
Step two: Start dating again. Dating, not whoring around. Skip the Main Street strip and the rest of the bars. Bars are great, but not applicable to all situations. Use a website if you like, but skip the profiles with cock shots as their cover image. He could just as well be at the grocery store or neighborhood coffee shop. Wherever, find a clever and handsome looking gent by your terms and ask him out. Try the SoFlo area or a fun little downtown restaurant near the river or meet for breakfast tacos on a Saturday and go thrifting (or “antiquing” if you prefer). Just do something you both find interesting and doesn’t lead straight to the sack. No need to further muddy your waters; you seem to confuse easy.
You are not rebounding here, but rather attempting to gain perspective. Maybe you’ll find a better boyfriend, maybe not. You don’t need to replace your friendship and you may not need to date someone else, either. You might discover that your close friendship with benefits is actually perfect and being “more than friends” is just an unnecessary label.
Remember, he answered your question, now it’s your turn.
Much luck and love,
Your Uncle Mat
PS. If you are just dead determined to have him, you might try your local bruja (or botanica if you are a DIYer.) Pick me up a money candle while you’re at it.
Dear Readers and Fine Citizens,
I want your troubles. Is your BFF being a bitch? Maybe you got drunk and slept with the boss’s son. Is Fido undermining your educational goals? Don’t know what a mother mold is or how to make one? I can help you. Write today!
Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at dear
firstname.lastname@example.org or Myspace.com/
yourunclemat. Your true identity is safe with him.