My life is a total mess. My mother won’t speak to me and it is pretty much all my fault. Her boyfriend started liking me way too much. I, being an idiot, fell for all of his suaveness and really fucked this situation up. My mom found out and hates me. I realize he shares some guilt and it certainly didn’t help the situation that she chose to date a guy my age in the first place. Now he won’t leave me alone, he texts and calls constantly. He begs me not to abandon him and tells me I’m his only friend. I am scared and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to see him at all, but if I shun him, he could tell my mom whatever and make her hate me more. I am currently staying at a friend’s place to avoid both him and her. How do I regain my mother’s trust and friendship? How do I make this guy go away?
— Confused and guilty
Ouch. People write and say they “fucked up,” but they obviously don’t know you. I am very sorry. I am not going soft on you, but I want you to know I sympathize with you. If you want to stop making mistakes, you are going to need some study skills and luck. Pay attention and don’t repeat yourself. For example, no more screwing your mom’s boyfriends. This might seem obvious, but you missed it on the first exam, so please review for future tests. There are a billion-plus men on this planet, find your own; stop pilfering from your mother. This isn’t high school and that wasn’t just a cigarette or a five spot from her purse.
Your mom’s boyfriend (I am hoping ex-boyfriend, now) isn’t going to leave you alone unless you are direct and clear with your message and actions. I agree, he must be cut out of your life. If you want to re-establish your relationship with your mother, he is not going to be helpful. Very kindly explain this to him. You have to make a choice and you are choosing your mother, even if she isn’t choosing you right now. Be considerate toward his feelings, but be certain he understands that no communication is welcome. After this, you must ignore him. If you continue to respond to him, even negatively, you are still feeding a relationship between the two of you. And if you thought your first relationship was unnatural, this will be worse. He may turn to your mother, but one can only hope she has learned a lesson and isn’t going to trust a man, younger or not, who seduced her daughter. Hopefully, her judgment will improve, too.
Regaining your mother’s trust is going to be very difficult. Be patient and don’t apply too much pressure. She is your mother and most likely can’t help loving you and wanting to believe the best of you. So stay cool, be good, and time should mend this rift. You might want to stop by the university counselor’s office or check out a therapist. I am thinking that you might have a bit of a self-esteem deficit or some other validation issue.
Much luck and better judgment,
Your Uncle Mat
I am single and recently relocated to a new city with a new job and a great life. A woman at work has started flirting with me and is clearly interested. I think she is pretty, smart, and funny, but her body type is not what I find typically attractive. I am not judging her, as I am a slightly bigger guy. I just don’t like big-booty girls. I have made the mistake of sleeping with women like this before and then I lose physical interest and I am in a bind. I don’t like to just sleep around either, but I haven’t had sex in over a year. What do I do?
Umm, don’t have sex with her? Dating at work can be hazardous and requires skills you are not expressing. Sleeping around at work is for tramps and mailroom boys with confused ambition. Maybe you should consider internet dating.
Much love and self-restraint,
Your Uncle Mat