So here’s the situation ... I met this guy on MySpace (which I have never done before due to the fact that it’s against my MySpace code of ethics, but persistence pays off). We exchanged phone numbers and eventually met at a bar for some drinks. We hit it off really well and he ended up at my house that night. We didn’t have sex, just a lot of kissin’ and huggin’. So we hung out for a week before we actually did the deed, which is actually the longest I’ve ever made a guy wait until he got this. My friends and I never dated guys, we just had a lot of friends with benefits growing up and nothing ever longer than a few months. I get bored with guys sexually after I’ve had them a few times, so I drop them and move on. Well, I’m starting to like this guy and wanna make it work but I’m afraid I might get bored with him and drop him like the rest. What can I do to change my evil ways and find genuine love in my life?
— Bored no more
A MySpace code of ethics? Do tell. What else won’t you do? I am certain I am too old to date on MySpace. I forget people actually can date on MySpace. I understand it as an option, but that is what Yahoo, gay.com, and Manhunt are for. (OK, I don’t think anyone dates on Manhunt, either.) Well, good for you. I always support meeting dates in unexpected places, even if it’s just unexpected for you and your advice columnist. Taking risks like this will help you break other old habits as well, so you are already off to a good start.
Becoming bored with your sexual partners has more to do with you than your partners. Your initial attitude change is key, but wanting this one to be different isn’t going to fix the problem. Your language suggests that you might be losing respect, not just interest. Why don’t you and your friends “date” guys? Once a chap has been “had” a few times, is he still interested? Is he still a man? There are still social stigmas surrounding gay men’s masculinity and morality and it is possible you are projecting feelings you have about your own self-worth on these other men. Homosexuality has become more culturally visible and it is easier to come out, but with a strange backlash against being “gay.” Gay sex is great, but the lifestyle is not. Gay men frequently describe themselves in terms of “straight-acting” or “masculine” and have “friends with benefits” or “buds.” What’s up with that? You’re having sex with guys — enjoy it, look one in the eye, fall in love, and stop worrying about being straight. Everyone involved has a dick and that’s about as manly as you can get.
Making a man wait a week, or longer (hint), should humanize your partner(s) and help create a foundation on which to develop true intimacy. Intimacy is the key to staying sexually interested. Your desire should grow from being close to him emotionally and physically, not just getting off with yet another hottie. Taking time to discover things you like about him other than his dick and ass will help establish some longevity in the relationship. Those eHarmony people on the commercials are kinda creepy, but they have the right idea. In addition to your MySpace code of ethics, you might develop a relationship code of expectations. Not just for your partner, but yourself. What else besides mutual hard-ons do you want to have in common with another man? How should you treat a man, emotionally and physically? Besides sex, how else should the two of you be intimate with each other? Consider what else is important in your life and how a relationship should make both of you better people.
Don’t ignore the sex. Do keep it fresh. Routines form ruts. As your intimacy and trust grow, try new things and explore one another’s boundaries. Never lose sight of your respect, but go for it! How sturdy is the kitchen table? Can you do a handstand?
Much luck and longevity,
Your Uncle Mat