I’ve recently met this wonderful guy and I’m really happy with him. I’ve never felt like this before, but the sad thing is he’s in Mexico right now with his family finishing up school. I don’t know if he’s gonna move here or what. There are times where I miss him so much, and then I see my friends with their girlfriends and boyfriends and I just get so depressed and jealous that I want to reach across the table and kick their motherfucking asses. That’s not my only problem. Ever since my ex found out that I met someone new, he keeps getting my other exes and my friends that don’t like my boyfriend together and they try to come between us. I don’t know what to do right now. All of this shit is adding even more drama and stress that I don’t need. I feel like I am coming to a fork in the road and I don’t know which way to go. Do I take the path with my best friends and be miserable, or do I take the path with my boyfriend and be happy and end up losing all of my friends? Please Uncle Sam, help me, I’m at my wits end.
— Confused bi guy
I don’t think Uncle Sam is going to help. I suppose you could join the armed forces and run away, but that seems a bit dramatic and only adds more men to your stew of trouble. Don’t worry, your other favorite hack from Texas, Uncle Mat, is confident he can help. You seem to have several issues: a long-distance relationship, a bad relationship with your ex-boyfriend, poorly developed friendships, and some anger and depression issues not necessarily a direct result of your situation. That’s a lot of stress.
First, cut ties with the ex-boyfriend. If the relationship is adversarial, it isn’t healthy. The only reason to stay friends with exes is if you can forgive, forget, and truly want for the other person’s happiness again. If he is actively scheming to disrupt your current relationship, you need to end all involvement with him.
Friends don’t plot to break up relationships. Friends sit down and tell you that the guy you are dating is evil or wrong for you. I don’t think that most of my friends found my first love horribly annoying till we broke up. He wasn’t the
Antichrist, just odd, and so my friends embraced him because I was happy. I later dated a crazy drunken liar who was a plausible candidate for Satan’s understudy, and several of my good friends called me out on it. If your best friends who have always had your best interest at heart are telling you the new boyfriend is no good and should be dumped, at least hear them out. You almost never have to choose between true friends and a great relationship. Except geographically, and then the good friendships will survive.
Long-distance relationships can be difficult, and knowing the intentions of the other is impossible unless there is open and healthy communication. If he and you feel the same way, it is best to discuss how you each expect the relationship to develop emotionally and geographically. What do you really want? Does he have interest in moving here? Would you move there? When? If this is the real deal, you can’t just ask when and will he come back to me. Work to bring the two of you together.
Now would be a good time for you to focus on your school and/or career as well. If the separation is unbearable, it would be foolish to repeat it because you need to go or stay away for school later. Don’t sit around and pine for his love while your entourage plots to undo it. Life is not a Shakespeare play. Focusing on your interpersonal and professional development will also curb those nasty and somewhat inappropriate feelings of anger and depression brought on by seeing happy people. If not, you might try speaking to a counselor. Happy people should make you feel happy. Sometimes annoyed, but still overall happy.
Much love and less drama,
Your Uncle Mat
P.S. Since you’re bi, if this relationship turns out not to be the real deal, maybe you could try dating women, as this guy thing is so messy.