I have a quandary in my dating life. I have been seeing this new guy, “Matt,” for a few weeks. We both are interested in dating someone seriously and on the hunt for the ever-elusive LTR. I really like Matt, and he seems to be into me. He is smart, has a nice body, a decent career, and the sex is fucking great. Really great. He is complimentary towards me and always kind and optimistic. I am afraid that he is also easy and maybe a slut. He showed up the other night for our date with a hickey on his shoulder. Two hickeys, or one big one, I couldn’t really tell and I didn’t want to stare. I didn’t know what to say and he said nothing, pretended like they didn’t exist or that they were totally natural. That’s weird, right? I mean we’ve had sex like three times already and he shows up with hickeys. We haven’t had a talk about exclusivity, but I think a hickey is a bit odd or trashy. I like him (and the sex) so much I didn’t say anything. Should I wait to see if it happens again? Should I say something? Is it OK to really like him and want to pursue a relationship if he is easy? I appreciate that he put out on our first date, so can I judge him for sleeping with another guy, too? I just don’t want to set myself up for heartbreak when the signs are already maybe in front of me.
— Does Not Share Well With Others
Dear Mr. “I failed Kindergarten,”
Giving your new tricky boy toy my namesake will not inspire sympathy or favoritism. I would be more likely to identify with him being easy than being named Matt (And with two t’s? Really.)
So, you’re afraid your new boyfriend is easy? I think you can still maybe keep him, you just might need to learn how to handle him. I like to think that there is a difference between someone who is easy and your basic slut. There is still a bit of innocence about the easy types, while sluts have an agenda. Is your friend a sexual predator of sorts or more of a friendly passerby who has trouble with the word no? If he is a slut, then it’s best to not get too attached — or start researching “open relationships.” If he’s easy, then you can look forward to a lot of sex if the relationship pans out. Either way, your new favorite word is “condoms.” Hopefully it is his, too. Hickeys might be the least of y’all’s worries.
I wonder if he was waiting for you to say something. Maybe he is a serial dater and wanting to let you know that there is another guy. He might have wanted you to object and ask for boundaries. I think there are more direct and healthy ways to do it, but this could be his way of communicating.
I am also pondering the idea that the other guy in this scenario might know about you and is sending a little message. Marking his territory if you will. You could always leave your mark and wait for signs of his return to the other man’s bed. OK, that is bad advice, but I had to say it.
If you really like the guy, speak up. Don’t wait for another hickey. Tell him what you want, and hope for the best. Be kind and generous. If you present it in a condescending manner, like telling him you think his hickeys are “trashy,” he will feel judged and cheap, not desired and cared for. He might be sleeping around due to low self esteem or issues of abandonment. If you want him you will most likely need to assure him of your intentions and feelings.
And don’t forget that there is currently competition on the playing field. Hesitate and you could lose out. Very few people are into sharing boyfriends and sex partners; the other guy(s) might be reading this column, too ;-)
Best of luck and much monogamous love,
Your Uncle Mat
P.S. This almost goes without saying, but I strongly suggest not letting this guy watch Rock of Love. He might get the wrong ideas.