Well, god damn it! I’ve done it again. As you know, I have written you more than once in the past, and I love your advice. It has been a long time, since December, and I really haven’t been doing any better. I have been through at least six women in as many months. Nothing too dramatic or trashy as far as lesbians go, but none of it any good, either. Just dumb hookups I found at the bar and then drug it out for a few weeks of good ol’ fashioned dysfunctional lovin’. I did quit drinking again last month, and you would think that might help, but no. Instead of picking up ladies at the bars, I am picking them up at Alcoholics Anonymous. Well worse, really. I moved in with a woman I just met three weeks ago. I do not know what I am thinking or doing. I had moved home to try and pull my shit back together, and that was more than a little uncomfortable. My parents are OK with me being gay, but they really are putting pressure on me. My father just wants me to work at the family restaurant, which I have been doing. My mother knows I am unhappy with it and spends a lot of our free time yelling at me to get out of the house and look for a job. They also fight between themselves over my life. I just graduated last spring and I am uncertain what to do with my degree. (It’s in fine arts.)
My immediate dilemma is what to do about my new live-in girlfriend. I want out, but she is in love with me. She even calls me her partner already and refers to my dog as our baby. She wants one of those, too. I think she is very codependent. She hovers over me and tries to meet my every need. In other words, she is smothering me. I was very attracted to her at first, but now I find the sex very unappealing. I don’t want to move back home, and I know that I will get an earful for another failed relationship. Both of my parents are always on my ass about having a lack of commitment — to work, to women, to them. The longer I stay here, the more I hate myself and her. I am afraid of leaving and hurting her and returning to my parents’ home. It would ruin my AA meetings for me. I would have to find new groups. It’s not easy as a lesbian finding multiple groups that are comfortable (and, well, not polluted by at least one ex-girlfriend.) Maybe I should go straight?
So I am turning to you again. Please don’t be mad. I miss your words of wisdom. : )
— The Queen of Trouble
I wish I could say it was nice to hear from you again, but not like this. Congratulations on being sober. That is great; keep it up. Past patterns show that drinking is not good for you. Just because you are stumbling in your new-found sobriety doesn’t mean that you are not making progress.
You need a plan: 1. Pull your head out of your ass. 2. Move out of that woman’s home pronto.
The longer you stay, the more attached she’s likely to get to the idea of you and a real baby. She isn’t going to be hurt less if you lead her on. Moving back home sucks, but it sounds like your best option. Use it as inspiration to to get your life on track for everyone’s sanity.
Your parents are right; having a job is good. You will need money if you want to move out again. Look for a real job or a better job than your dad’s restaurant if you really hate it. I have a degree in fine arts and I am an office manager. It isn’t hard, and I still make art and write on the side in hopes of making them my real job one day.
Stop dating. Don’t they tell you that in AA? At least for a while. There are no quick fixes. Note that you are codependent. That is why you are constantly getting into bad relationships; you are jumping at anything that validates you. I still think you need a therapist; I’m emailing you a list of free and sliding-scale resources in San Antonio (always available to anyone for the asking; just email me!).
Stay gay; it isn’t the problem.
Much love and patience,
Your Uncle Mat