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Dear Uncle Mat


My friends and I are all single and looking. There are five of us, to be exact, and we can’t figure out what is wrong. None of us can find a boyfriend (there are two girls and three gay guys and one straight guy, but he didn’t want to write in, so I guess there are really six of us). It has been over a year since any of us dated and that was within the circle. I was dating “Mary” till I came out of the closet.

“Gina” thinks it’s because we all hang out together too much. That we are like the Goonies or something; we are either social misfits or elitist sociopaths in the eyes of others. I think that it should be a plus that we have good friends and a positive social network.

We try and spend equal time in gay and straight bars. We have a bit of a routine or circuit so we can achieve maximum exposure. This was my plan. We hit several coffee shops, one bookstore, and then three gay bars and two straight bars almost every week. We need to circulate if we are going to meet people, right? “Dan,” aka straight man, feels like it is a bit much and skips some of it — though not the gay bars. Go figure.

We are all cute in our own way, and none of us is ugly. “John” is fat, but handsome and funny, so he can get away with it. He is totally prime for a proper chubby chaser. Gina and Mary are pretty, have cool wardrobes and great boobs (they were adamant that I include that). We all are in college or have real jobs, more or less, and no one lives with his mother or in her crazy uncle’s garage. The three of us gay guys have tried internet dating, though only one of us has actually gone on a date (“Tim”), and it was horrible and the guy was at least 15 years older than his photo. John quit after a month because he said internet dating wasn’t for fat people. I think he’s right; he didn’t get a single response to his profile or for any of the emails he sent out.

OK, so that kinda sums up the situation. We are a band of fresh, hip, and culturally balanced singles who need some love advice. Where and how mostly.

Tim noticed that your MySpace changed to single this week (btw — he mentioned that you are very cute for an older guy; if you’re looking, he’s in my top friends. wink-wink), and we thought we would ask you what your plan of action was. Or is it too soon?

— The Goonies

Dear Goonies,

I really appreciate your letter and your past emails of encouragement and well-wishing. It was a bit long (over 1,400 words — twice the length of my column) and I want the readers to know I seriously edited this thing down.

Let’s cut to the chase: I love that my readership is young and gay and hip, but I don’t date anyone who refers to me as an older guy. At least not yet. Maybe when I’m 40.

Gina is right. You probably come off a bit cliquish. You might also not all appear to be single. It is hard to read from an outside perspective if there are couples in a group of good friends. It is also difficult to approach a group of people if you are interested in just one. In a group as such, you definitely have to make a first move. I know carpooling helps with cost of gas, but I recommend breaking up the band a couple days a week. Split up like they do on Scooby-Doo. Meet new cool people and introduce them to the group. All of my best dates have been with guys I met through friends or acquaintances. Y’all need to go make some more friends and acquaintances — the gene pool is a little small. Circulation is good, and I admire your dedication. More variety is needed. Mix it up. Plays, art openings, dog parks, etc. I have said it before: Good men are doing something, not just waiting around to be picked up (those are called hustlers and cost money).

Much love and better luck,

Your Uncle Mat

Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at or
yourunclemat. Your true identity is safe with him.

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