I am at my lowest point, and no, I’m not about to pay some stranger to tell me to “move on.” I know I need to move on and pick myself up, but I need a man’s point of view; all my women friends tell me my ex was a controlling jerk. He tells me the same thing: I’m better off without him.
I was seeing this man from San Antonio and I live in Seguin. We know each other from high school. We started dating and things went fast; he moved into my home; he wasn’t working, and I took in his three kids as my own. I have two kids so we had five kids altogether. It was hard on my income but I was dealing with it. He was going to school and I supported him. I was struggling but I was willing to make sacrifices.
Then I had to choose him or my friends since he hated all of them. I cut ties with my friends, family. We had a fight and he moved back with his mother. He said I threw him out. I didn’t. This was my chance out of the relationship, but the love I have for this man is intense, so I begged him back.
He became verbally abusive. I made a comment once that this guy I worked with had a car that started by remote and he said, “Oh, you fu**ing cunt, are you f**king him?” I have never been spoken to this way. Then he started bringing my past into our arguments. When I was 18, I had a fling with another woman. I’m 32 now.
When we got together, I did everything for him and in return I got nothing but told I was a nasty whore, a cunt, since I was “gay” once. Then I kept taking him back after he would dump me over and over. I gave him my Yahoo password to show him I do not talk to anyone. He opened my email to see 1,000 emails unread. He saw one from my friend that he hates and he walks out on me.
He’s been avoiding me. I went to see him the other day and he told me he doesn’t want to be with me since I’m a liar and I kept my friends from him. He said he loves me, and his heart is with me, but how long until that gives up?
I want him back, I’m madly in love with him but I need to let go. Why can’t I? What hurts most is the knowledge he’s moving on. Everyone tells me I’m better than this. I’m weak, my self worth is gone over a man who judged me for a past I had a long time ago. Please slap some sense into me.
— Hurting in Seguin
Dear Hurting in Seguin,
Your friends and this guy are both right. Wake the fuck up and pull your shit together. You have two children to raise and you are going to make a mess of that if you don’t pay attention. You don’t need a therapist to tell you to move on, you need a therapist to help you understand why you treat yourself so poorly. Your ex can hold your past against you because you let it work.
Allowing a single person to control and manipulate you is a not only a sign of low self-esteem, but shows a complete lack of trust in yourself and others. If he eliminates your family and friends then you don’t have to trust them, either.
I call bullshit. Sit down and write him a letter. You know it has to end now and today. Tell him that you will never contact him again and he should do the same. Mail it or not. If you see him in public, turn and walk the other way. Call your family and friends to apologize and tell them you need their support, but that you will not discuss the ex unless you choose to and on your terms only.
Then pay a stranger to listen. Therapy is a process. First you talk about nothing, little boring shit, then eventually you start to say real things, then you start to vomit out your monsters, and then you start to feel better. Sometimes the therapist doesn’t even have to tell you anything. It’s not a colon flush; this can take a long time, but it can change your life, and therefore your childrens’ lives, for the better.
Much love and a lot of perspective,
Your Uncle Mat