It’s Sunday morning, and I am in a total state of silence and tears. I come to you not so much for advice but for a swift kick in my ass.
I am madly in love with someone (and yes, they, too, are madly in love with me). What started as a new friendship two years ago blossomed into a wonderful friendship and eventually moved into love. It was not until I had shared a dream I had with this person that I realized I was so in love with them. Much to my surprise, they had been feeling the same.
The kicker is that the other person is in a live-in partner relationship longer than any of my marriages have lasted. OK, maybe not quite that long.
Never in my life have I been in a situation where I was involved with someone else living with a partner. I’m not saying I have not had my share of cheating, but to love someone else while sleeping in the same bed every night with my husband, wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend? “Never.”
In my world I have no need to sneak around; this person does. I want to hold hands in public, kiss and be affectionate, scream at the top of my lungs to everyone that “I am in LOVE.” Our circumstances do not allow for this.
I am the single woman in my crowd of good friends. I fuck like a rabbit. Since I love both men and women there is never really a lack of it in my world. I do not fall in love. This person has rocked my world. It has been years since I found myself in love.
Can you love two people at once? Is it possible to end one relationship and start another right after — with a chance of it working out? Do men and women work themselves into infidelity because they are just searching for the at-the-moment fix, or are they truly searching for love? Do I walk away now and go back to my sex-is-sex and forget about the love? At what point is it OK to ask for a commitment from someone who lives with another? Do I even have a right to ask? Am I a fool?
— In love and alone ...
Dear In Love and Alone,
I am not going to call you a fool, but you may be acting terribly foolishly. Perhaps if you looked at sex as less of a contact sport, you might find love there. Objectifying your sex partners is like making them the enemy — good for sex, but not to be trusted with your heart. It’s a little late for me to be telling you how to make your bed, so let’s discuss how you might lie in it.
I do believe someone can love two people at once, but both of these people must be aware of each other for the love to stay healthy. I suspect that it is more difficult to be loved by someone who is in love with two people than it is to love two people. If his live-in partner doesn’t know, and he isn’t ready to tell him/her, then he isn’t ready for your relationship, and you should at least put it on hold if not walk away. A healthy relationship can start immediately after or even during the end of another relationship. We don’t really get to choose when we meet someone and fall in love, but we do choose how that love grows and what it becomes by the decisions we make. If you are good friends with this new lover, I suspect that you know his current live-in partner. Are you respecting this person and relationship as well?
Infidelity can happen for a lot of different reasons. You need to ask your new love what he wants and where he sees himself in both of his relationships. Why is he looking outside of his live-in relationship? Does his partner know and/or understand? Is he sleeping with anyone else? Then you ask yourself, is this what I want and deserve? Love should make us happy and better individuals through partnering with another. There is no set formula for this. If it doesn’t add up, I suggest you move on. If it does, then work on the relationship(s). Love is not about spending Sunday morning in bed alone bathing in your own tears.
Much love and happiness,
Your Uncle Mat
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