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Dear Uncle Mat

I’m a 22-year-old guy who is a virgin, and I don’t know what to do. 

— Help!! 

Dear Help!!,

Masturbate. Seriously. I am not being crass or mean here. Masturbation is your friend. If you don’t like masturbating, you are doing it wrong or you’re unnecessarily burdened by adolescence-instilled guilt. A healthy masturbation life will ease some of the pressure you are feeling. To be clear, I am advocating masturbation, not pornography. Men occassionally confuse these things. Pornography can have its place, but ritual consumption of pornography can potentially distort your perception of sexual partners and sex itself. Objectifying others and the act will turn you into a total perve. You won’t go blind, but you’ll sure as hell complicate your sex life once you get one. Quality masturbation is more about being intimate and enjoying yourself and your body, not fantasizing about someone or something else. Best of all, being good at masturbation will make you a better lover.

Why do you want to have sex? It sounds like a stupid question, but it is important. You could also ask yourself who you want to have sex with. Are you dating someone now and want to know how to take to the next step, or are you single and feeling like the last virgin on the planet? You are not the last virgin, by the way, and there is no need to rush this. That sounds like bullshit, of course, but it’s true.

If you’re not in a relationship, and don’t want to wait for one, I suppose you could place an ad online and would get plenty of responses from people more than happy to take your virginity. You could also pick up someone at a bar. The world is filled with easy people. I am guessing you are not particularly easy or you wouldn’t be a virgin, so in this scenario you will need a true slut. Either the ad or alcohol will help sort the right type of person out for you. If you take this route, please be safe.

If you are in a relationship, you should talk to your partner. Tell him/her that you are ready to be physically intimate and want to pursue it in a manner that is comfortable and exciting for you both. Be honest about being a virgin. If your partner is, too, it will put him/her at ease, and if not it will let him/her know who should be driving. Be prepared. Make sure you have clean sheets on the bed and you are well-groomed and, most importantly, you have condoms. S/he might be ready immediately and you don’t want to miss a golden opportunity. You might try wooing him/her with a romantic or exciting date as a prelude. Also be prepared to discuss what it means to your relationship.

You might be single, but not interested in the easy lay. Finding a quality deflowerer will require work. Why do you think you are not getting laid? Make a list of the obstacles between you and your goal. If your physical appearance is on the list, then I suggest getting a makeover and a therapist. You can buy new clothes, cut your hair, lose or gain some weight, but ultimately you need to learn to like yourself. If you don’t ever meet any quality girls or guys for the making, then it’s time to branch out and try new things. New bars or coffee shops, maybe a new hobby that has social outlets. Going back to school is also a great way to meet young, available, horny, and intelligent (or trying to be) individuals to get busy with. Take an evening class at SAC. When I was there it was like going on a VH1 reality show, without the desperate washed-up celebrity and looming public humiliation.

One last thought. I asked a close friend who was a virgin at 22 what he thought about this question. He said that he didn’t count the drunken sex he had with girls in college, so he considered himself a virgin till he was 28. He may be cheating a bit, but he makes a good point.

Much patience, luck, and good times,

Your Uncle Mat

Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at
dearunclemat@sacurrent.com, myspace.com/yourunclemat, or check out the Dear Uncle Mat Page on Facebook. Your true identity is safe with him.


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