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Dear Uncle Mat

I am 37, gay, single, and really frustrated with the fact that I cannot find a date. All I want is to meet a decent guy within five years of my age who is at least conventionally attractive and not drunk or a pothead. I broke up with my boyfriend more than a year ago. (I might have to start saying almost two years ago in a month.) He, of course, left our perfectly happy and healthy relationship to fuck some twink 12 years younger. If I do meet an attractive guy in my age range, he wants a boy toy. Its like the homo population is either ugly or pederasts. I’ve tried all of the suggested routes: gyms, coffee shops, online services, the grocery store, laundry mat (I own a washer/dryer set), and of course bars. I’m ready to ask my mother if any of her friends have nice single sons. What the fuck?! And don’t tell me I need a therapist. I have one. I’m ready for some Uncle Mat enlightenment.

— Fuck These Stupid Gays — Oh, wait, I can’t because being over 30 cancels out being cute, educated, employed, and anything else worthwhile I might have going on 

Dear Fuck These Stupid Gays — etc.,

You should print out your letter and mail it to yourself. You will totally die laughing. You are hysterical. Not hahaha hysterical, but throw a glass of water in the bitch’s face hysterical.

Breathe.

I am glad you have a therapist. Do you talk about your anger and built-up hostility toward, well, everything? If not, you need a new therapist.

You are right: Gay culture does put a premium on youth. This can be challenging for a single man in his early late 30s. Dating, or the lack thereof, is causing you some real emotional stress. I think maybe you should take a little break. You aren’t really finding anyone, so why not stop looking for a bit? Take a month or three off. Wait till that two-year mark passes. Even if you meet a guy you think fits the bill, just let him go by. Embrace being single and alone.

I had my little heart ripped out and fed to Satan when I was about 19 or 20. It never occurred to me to stop dating for a bit and recover. I spent the next six years or so tearing through men and wondering why none of them where ever right. Then I had an affair with the guy who fed my heart to Satan and realized (not immediately) that I was still trying to replace him. I took about three years off, with one mistake tucked nicely in the middle to remind me why I needed a break. Now, almost five years after the hiatus and 15 since the original relationship, I am actually falling in love again.

This is clearly not algebra and you cannot apply an equation and get the same answer — thank god; 15 years is a long time — but you do have to do your own homework. That time taught me how to be alone and comfortable with myself. I also have the best friends ever. They would totally kick Satan’s ass and retrieve my heart if that ever happened again. This makes life and dating a non-threatening and downright delightful experience.

You need some time to put all of that baggage on a garbage barge and set it adrift. If you’re not convinced, I want you to answer all of the following questions, share the answers with your best friend, and send them to me, and we will tell you why you should just stop.

You’re a catch; why not date a young twink just for fun? Why are there so few men you find “conventionally” attractive? Why do you use that word? Drunks can be troublesome, but what’s wrong with a pothead? Sure, it lowers their sperm count, but you aren’t making babies. Just kidding, but seriously, be nicer to stoners and ugly people, and ask yourself why you think everyone else is broken. Why can’t you find the perfect guy?

Just this past week I cried while watching the finale of The Girls Next Door sitting alone on my couch. Bliss is everywhere. Once you know a little bit more about yourself, life will start to fall in line. I promise.

Much love and lots of big deep breaths,

Your Uncle Mat

Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at
dearunclemat@sacurrent.com, myspace.com/yourunclemat, or check out the Dear Uncle Mat Page on Facebook. Your true identity is safe with him.


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