I will keep this brief. I have been in a long dry spell since my early and untimely divorce. One night last month I was a bit drunk and had sex with a guy from my circle of friends I have known since high school. No drama, just a little help from a good friend. Unfortunately, he gave me an STD as a bonus gift. I do not know how to tell him. He is sweet, but not exactly mature, and he is kind of a male slut. I do not want our friends to know we slept together. I do not wish to hurt his feelings. I just need to tell him. Right?
— Regretfully satisfied
P.S. We had safe sex; how did this happen?
Ah, friends and favors. This reminds me of the time I helped my friend move and dropped a box of CDs on his antique armoir and busted in the door. He wasn’t mad, but he did tell everyone and it was embarrassing. You are trying to do a good deed and that cup of milk turns out to be sour. Poor slutty dude.
So, you caught an itchy burning sensation that just won’t go away? At least it wasn’t the desire to sing a karaoke version of 4Non Blondes’ “What’s Going On.” Then you’d be lesbian and have to come out to everyone. Which is actually great if you’re a lesbian, but this is a much simpler process. All you need is a trip to the doctor and a discreet note.
I will assume you have been to the doctor and taken care of the immediate problem. If your doctor didn’t do it automatically, you should request to be tested for all the more common STDs. If you don’t want to do this at your doctor’s office or lack insurance (which doesn’t pay for these most of the time — go figure), visit a public clinic or Planned Parenthood (phone numbers included in the attractive green box). This is a lesson for all of you sluts and people who sleep with sluts (or anyone, really). If you are having sex regularly, you need to get tested regularly. It’s affordable if you budget for it. Getting tested regularly desensitizes you to the stigma of STDs, encourages more open talk among friends and sex partners, and slows the spread of STDs. I am not saying you should get a T-shirt that says, “Tom hooked me up with a big O, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt and the clap,” but you won’t be so freaked out that you don’t know what to do or say if you do test positive for an STD.
While you’re at the testing center of your choice, you can ask them to contact any and all of your past partners with an anonymous call or note letting them know that someone they slept with tested positive for whatever it is you brought home. (Can we just say it’s the clap? That is my favorite one to say, though the story about the soldiers and the book is a bit wince-inducing.) Since your friend is a slut, he probably won’t even guess that it’s you. There is also this fun and clever website: inspot.org. You can send humorous and anonymous e-cards to your recent sex partners. Not that this is funny, but it is uncomfortable and a little humor goes a long way. Just like a funeral. The website is filled with helpful information and educational facts and resources.
If you don’t know how you got an STD while engaging in sexual activities, even with a condom, then you maybe skipped or failed health class in high school. Unprotected penetration is a more sure and effective way to share an STD, but all you need are some sticky fluids floating around on the surfaces. Ask your doctor or pick up a few pamphlets from the lobby of your favorite new testing center to learn more helpful details.
Much love and less of the clap,
Your Uncle Mat
Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at
firstname.lastname@example.org, myspace.com/yourunclemat, or check out the Dear Uncle Mat Page on Facebook. Your true identity is safe with him.
Planned Parenthood 1 (800) 230-PLAN (not just for the ladies)
Metro Health(210) 207-8830
(walk-in clinic located downtown)