My partner of five years is cheating on me. Am I in turn allowed to cheat on him?
Do you read this column? That is a stupid question and your Uncle Mat is grumpy today. I should just type an emphatic “NO” and tell you to pull your head out of your ass and move along, but we all know I am nicer than that. So pull your head out of your ass and pay attention.
If your partner is cheating on you, your relationship has a problem that you cannot resolve by sleeping with yet another dirty leg. Cheating on him only compounds the situation. If it makes him angry or jealous, then you both are suffering. If he isn’t upset by your tryst, then how much more hurt would you be?
Is your relationship salvageable? Do you want it to continue or not? Why? This is not just about his infidelity, but the relationship as a whole. What is missing or wrong? Whatever the answers, it is time for action, and I don’t mean boom, boom, boom let’s go back to my room.
Sit your partner down, and tell him you know he’s been putting his butter stick in the neighbor’s baked potato or wherever. Ask him why or what is the reason. Listen to his answer, and try not to judge or jump to conclusions. Then tell him how it makes you feel. Try not to address his answers, but talk about how you felt upon discovering his indiscretion. Ask him to listen and wait to hear you out. Then discuss what you both have shared, and look for a mutually agreeable resolution.
Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that the relationship is healthy for you. There is no reason to stay in a relationship that compromises your integrity. Grow up, and act like an adult. Leave him if you are not happy. Leave him if he is not happy and not offering you the opportunity to help him find happiness in your relationship.
Possibly you both just want a broader sexual experience? I only say this because you think sleeping with another person might fix the problem. There are happy couples with open relationships — also called swingers. This type of relationship is only successful if you communicate well. Clearly, you and your partner need some work there, so if you decide to try this route, prepare, don’t just throw on a red light and drop your trousers for every Tom, Dick and Harry with a bus pass and 15 free minutes. Hope this helps.
Much love and a clue,
Your Uncle Mat
The following is a comment posted on the Current website in response to my March 4th column:
“This is such a sad commentary on how our morals have sunk. This is not a religious position, but more a psycho-social commentary. Habitual solitary masturbation can generate anti-social behavior and create over-self focus on one’s self. Something designed by nature for procreation shouldn’t be perverted. Generally speaking, sex is for two people-a social act with at least some emotional connection.”
As another reader pointed out “Something designed by nature for procreation shouldn’t be perverted” is pretty much a religious position. You can argue semantics by substituting “nature” for God in your statement, but the in the context of the current American social-political climate words like “how our morals have sunk” and “procreation shouldn’t be perverted” cannot be neutralized by a one-sentence disclaimer.
The only argument against a healthy masturbation life is a religious argument. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking the time to learn and understand your body and how to both give and receive pleasure sexually. There is a difference between beating off to hardcore porn every night while objectifying the idea of a sexual partner and enjoying the wonders of your own body and discovering ways in which you can better satisfy your partner and yourself. Masturbation can be both a preparation for and a social act itself.
I appreciate (as do my readers) everyone sharing his or her viewpoint and responding to this column. I know I don’t know everything, but I’m good at pretending I do. I hope you and others will continue to add to the weekly discourse that is Dear Uncle Mat.
Much love and a little luck getting lucky with yourself,
Your Uncle Mat
P.S. We don’t need masturbation to “generate anti-social behavior and create over-self focus on one’s self.” We have Facebook and VH1.
Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at
firstname.lastname@example.org, myspace.com/yourunclemat, or check out the Dear Uncle Mat Page on Facebook. Your true identity is safe with him.