My ex-boyfriend just moved back to town with his new boyfriend. He dumped me when he went away to graduate school three years ago. I was devastated and haven’t had a decent relationship since. I ran into them two weeks ago at a local bar. They were both drunk and made a pass at me. Apparently he has discussed our previous sex life in some detail with his new boyfriend, who likes to have three-ways. This would be horrifying enough, but then my ex whispered in my ear, “Come on, you know it will never be as good with anyone else as it is with me. We were meant to be with each other.” I think I am still in love with him, and he is making overtures in my direction, and his boyfriend wants to have a three-way. I am confused. I really want him back in my life, but I don’t want to share. I always think that people say what they really mean when they are drunk. If that is true, then he wants to be with me. I am not certain I can trust him, though. How do I get him out of this new dysfunctional relationship and back with me? Is there a way to make him understand that what he did when he left was wrong and that he can’t do it again? What do I owe his new boyfriend if anything? My ex was not into things like three-ways before, so I really see this guy as a bad influence or at least not right for him.
— Wondering What Would You Do?
I’d have the three-way, make his new boyfriend insanely jealous over how awesome the sex between me and the ex is, and then happily steal back my ex for our perfect sunny future with three kids, a white picket fence, and the old new boyfriend as our pool boy.
The question is, what should you do?
It sounds like your old love is unsure where he is in life and what he wants. You seem to know what you want, but are faced with a few moral hurdles. Ask yourself why you want your ex back. Where do you think the new relationship with him will begin? You are kidding yourself if you think you can just go back to where it ended. Sure, you were dumped for grad school, but obviously you are wounded. You don’t want your baggage to fuck this up if you get another chance. And what about Mr. College Boy? Is he apologetic? He just sounds cocky and horny to me. A drunk ex telling you nobody is going to fuck you like he did is hardly a good argument for a relationship. He has already proven that he can screw you good in more ways than one.
The new boyfriend, as horrible as he may seem to you, should be cause for concern, too. It isn’t that you owe him something personally, but treating him as nothing more than an obstacle isn’t fair. He likes three-ways and isn’t threatened by the idea of one with his boyfriend’s ex-lover — this may make him daft and/or morally swishy, but not evil.
I am going to put on my favorite old record and tell you to go to therapy. You haven’t had a decent relationship in three years, since you were dumped and heartbroken. This might just be because you have spent this entire time at the bathhouse or carving wooden beads for the nuns to make rosaries, but clearly you could use an objective opinion with a little more focus than my brief yet omnipotent column.
In the meantime, avoid hanging out with your ex and his boyfriend when they are drunk. Keep it polite, and don’t try to talk about the situation. It will only get messy. He needs to work out his current relationship without your involvement. You aren’t really fit to intervene as you are too emotionally involved. People change, and it is fair to tell him when you are both sober that you still have feelings for him, and ask that he and his partner respect your emotions, but leave it at that. He’ll get the picture and you will eventually, too.
Much luck and love,
Your Uncle Mat
Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at
firstname.lastname@example.org, myspace.com/yourunclemat, or check out the Dear Uncle Mat Page on Facebook. Your true identity is safe with him.