This spring I met a guy at Hooters. Yes, Hooters. He was totally hot and a big flirt. He asked me out and even though my friend warned me that he was a player, I said yes. The first date was great and the sex was right on par. We continued to hang out for the next three weeks. Then we went to a “mushroom cuddle” party. I was unaware that was the theme of the party but went along with the mushrooms and tried to enjoy myself. Unfortunately, I vomited up my shrooms and wasn’t very high. My new guy friend was having a blast, though, and really getting into cuddling with this other guy. They even had their shirts off! The other dude was straight, but I was jealous and quickly conspired to get us out of there before things got out of hand between them. On our way home, I confessed my plot and jealousy. He said he thought it was “cute” and we decided to be boyfriends. A couple of weeks later I bought us tickets for a trip to San Francisco. This was a planned trip and we discussed it before I bought the tickets. We were supposed to go this next week, but he called last night to tell me we should take a step back in our relationship. He says I am “not ready.” I don’t understand this at all. Since we became boyfriends he has left me at the bar where we went out together on several occasions because he was drunk and “wandered off.” Though this upset me and I even cried, I have held strong. Why is he doing this? I lost it a bit last night and told him he was a total dickhead. I am not sure what I should do. He didn’t say he didn’t want to go to San Francisco, but I don’t want to go as “friends” so he can wander off and fuck whatever dude he bumps into. I also don’t want to go alone. What should I do?
— Dating a douche bag
P.S. Is it appropriate for 40-year-old men to use the boy version of their name, i.e. “Billy”?
Dear Poor Taste In Men,
Do you think your friends are stupid? Or is it just you? I am not even sure why you are hanging out at Hooters. Maybe your friend dragged you to Hooters and this is why you would second-guess his judgement.
I suggest skipping the trip altogether. Call the airline and take the best credit you can get. Neither trip, with him or without him, is going to be good for you. But if you do go, take a real friend. One you listen to. And before you go, erase Mr. Douche Bag’s phone number and move on. Run, don’t walk. He is not interested in being your friend. Well, maybe he is, but it’s not a friendship that is going to be healthy for you. You need some distance, perspective, and time spent paying attention to the friends you already have.
I am not blaming you for accepting a date with the hot guy. This is human. I have gone out with plenty of hot flakes, tramps, and ne’er do wells. Your fault is in falling for him after you were fairly warned off, and after personally experiencing his player ways. The night you drag your date from a party because he’s rubbing chests with another chap is not the night to get engaged.
Most easy men have self-worth issues. Your jealousy is novel and affirming, but not much different from a nipple tweak from a high straight dude. It’s “cute” and temporarily validates his weak ego. He meant to tell you that he isn’t ready, but found it much easier to say that you aren’t ready. For what?
That’s the last puzzle piece here: What do you want? If you really want a relationship, stop picking up or getting picked up by known players at Hooters. Keep an open mind, but also have a few standards. Husbands are not the best-looking guys that you can keep coming back to your bed (or not, as the case might be here). I think a little research into healthy relationships is needed. Look at ones around you. Maybe read a book or two, and if needed (I vote yes), visit a therapist and discuss at length.
Much love and less douche-baggery and tears in your future,
Your Uncle Mat
P.S. If you’re fucking a guy who ends his nickname with a “y,” you both should be minors.
Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org, myspace.com/yourunclemat, or check out the Dear Uncle Mat Page on Facebook. Your true identity is safe with him.