I started dating my best friend two months ago, and it’s great! We hang out all the time, our friends are really supportive, and we just enjoy each other’s company. The problem is he’s looking at moving this winter to another city. He really hates the town we live in now (Lubbock, yuck!) and wants to get away as soon as possible. He’s already started saving up money and wants to find a job before he moves so he doesn’t have to worry about having zero income in the new city. I’d gladly move as well but my lease isn’t up till next summer, and I can’t leave my roommates in a bind. Should I try to convince him to stick around a town he hates so we can still be together? We’re not a “super-serious” relationship but we are monogamous and care a lot for each other.
I appreciate all y’all’s gratitude, but could you please start attaching some clever pseudonyms? I’m just going to start addressing all of my replies to “That’s What Your Mom Said.” It’s free advice, I’m not asking that much.
Something about the last sentence of your letter worries me. You are not in a “super-serious” relationship, but you are willing to move to another city with him. That sounds mostly “super-serious” to me. People end super-serious relationships in order to not move to another city with someone. I’m not saying that your relationship can’t or shouldn’t or won’t be as super-serious as you want it to be, but I’m wondering if you are both on the same page.
Which is higher on his priority list? Get the hell out of Lubbock or foster his relationship with you? Asking him to wait for you definitely makes you sound super-serious about the relationship. Monogamy and caring deeply for each other are totally lovely and respectful but don’t mean the same thing to everyone. Does he know you are ready to hop county lines with him? Does he think it’s “cool” or “all right” or does he want to plan a new life in the merry ole land of Oz? (Well, if he refers to it that way you may have another problem, if you know what I’m saying, Dorothy.)
He seems to have a basic plan: Have a few bucks in the bank to fund the move and find a job in said new utopia so as to not land in the gutter. Where are you in this plan? What kind of job? Is this like that song by Tracy Chapman where he will get a job as a checkout girl and one day you will find work and move out of the shelter, buy a big house in the suburbs … blah blah blah you’re still living your parents’ crappy life over again, just in another berg with a catchy metaphor and refrain? Where is this paradise metropolis? Why there? I mean, other than it’s not Lubbock, which I gather from your letter is something like the center of a very boring hell.
When moving as a couple, a shared plan or at least mutually agreed upon expectations are a good idea. Has either or both of you finished college? Does the town you are moving to have decent higher-education options or career paths in either or both of your fields of training or interest? One move when you’re young, in love, and carefree is awesome and exciting. Needing to make number two and possibly three could turn you into a bitter 30-something bachelorette. This often does wonders for your late jumpstart career, but could add up in bar tabs and therapy bills down the road.
I don’t mean to totally rain on your caravan. Congratulations on your relationship, and good luck with this exodus if you make it together. You can plan a move together without planning a wedding, just make sure you are in agreement on what this move means before you actually do it.
Much luck and an exciting future in the city of your dreams,
Your Uncle Mat
P.S. You could always find your roommates a respectable replacement to finish out your end of the lease. Maybe one of them has a friend who could move in.
Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org, myspace.com/yourunclemat, or check out the Dear Uncle Mat Page on Facebook. Your true identity is safe with him.