I know I am a dumbass for letting this happen, but I think I am a dumbass with a reasonable complaint. I have been hanging out with the same girl for a while now. She is fun, funny, and a really good time, if you know what I mean. A few weeks ago while we were fooling around, I let her take a picture of my dick with her iPhone. She said she wanted a little something to “cheer her up on boring days at the office.” I am not bragging, but I have a nice one and let my ego make the decision. Last week, one of my buddies tells me that his girl has seen this picture of my dick. If that isn’t enough, when I ask her about this, it turns out she has shown most of the women she works with and all of her friends! I am feeling a little used and exposed. Not in a violated way, but this is embarrassing. I have met some of these co-workers and all of her friends and now they have seen my hard-on. Naked! Thank god I only let her take a picture of my dick. She wanted me to be smiling and holding it, but I said just the good stuff. She apologized, but insists it isn’t a big deal. I am not sure if I can or should do anything. Is it wrong to ask her to take a picture of every woman’s breasts who saw my dick so I will feel even with these people when we see each other again? Just kidding — unless it is fair. I don’t want to show her breasts to all of my friends. I may be a guy, but I’m not a jerk. Plus she’s hot, and I don’t want any guys I know thinking about her anymore than they already do. Like I said, I know I walked into this one, but I was hoping you could explain to her how wrong this is and maybe suggest a way for her to make it up to me. She reads your column and will know this is for her.
The Accidental Exhibitionist
Dear Exhibitionist Dude,
I remember the days when I just had to tell you kids to wear condoms.
I fail to see the accident in this situation, but clearly you are feeling a bit overexposed. What exactly did you think she would do with a picture of your dick on her phone? I have seen at least a half-dozen penises on girls’ phones. I didn’t even know most of these women; they were just drunk and decided that showing the nice gay chap at the bar a picture of their boyfriend’s or ex-boyfriend’s tool would be the sweet or clever thing to do.
You are right to point out that you didn’t agree to the picture being shared with anyone. She betrayed your trust. On the other hand, you let her take your picture and store it on a device that she carries everywhere with her. It was really just a matter of time before someone was going to see it. Fortunately, it is just a cock shot, not syphilis or an unwanted baby. Think before you act. If you take naughty pictures or make sexy home films, it is likely that someone you don’t intend to show it to will see it; it’s the law of the new technological age. Digital photos are more or less forever.
I think the first thing you should do is ask her to delete the photo before her mother sees it. No, you cannot ask for a photo of all of her friends and co-workers’ breasts. You are the only boob you get out of this deal. I appreciate your chivalry in not requesting a photo of her to show to your friends — it makes you sweet even if you aren’t real bright. If you happen to be good-looking and have the impressive dick you aren’t bragging about, you might still make it out there in the big bad world.
Much luck and love,
Your Uncle Mat
P.S. For retribution you should just ask her to kiss it and make it feel better. That ought to make everyone happy.
Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org, myspace.com/yourunclemat, or check out the Dear Uncle Mat Page on Facebook. Your true identity is safe with him.