I have been having a casual affair with a classmate since the beginning of this semester. Well, we first slept together over the holidays, but didn’t start into a regular thing until classes started up again in the spring. We agreed it would be just for fun and that neither of us wanted a relationship right now. I am studying nursing and focused on transferring to a university in fall of 2011. He is studying kinesiology and will graduate next December. I really can’t imagine getting involved with him for more than the sex. He is very attractive and nice, but just not the type of guy I want a relationship with. He has been trying to have a date for about two weeks now. Instead of just getting together for a little fun in bed, he wants to have dinner or catch a movie first. I liked our arrangement because it was clean and easy and keeps me satisfied but not distracted from my goals. He hasn’t admitted he wants more, but it is becoming painfully clear. He brought me coffee yesterday. How do I tell him to back off without hurting his feelings or losing the good thing I thought we had going here?
— I Thought We Had a Deal
Dear Let’s Make a Deal,
It sounds as though your deal is a bust, my love. If sex were that simple everyone would just do it and there would be no marriage, happy babies, war, or love. Fortunately, sometimes when a man casually puts his thing into a woman’s thing and they keep repeating this action, one or both of them develop feelings for the other. It’s part of what makes us human. There is also the option of finding someone you want a relationship with and then having sex, but clearly you have what I’ll call a modern plan for your educational tenure. No fault there.
It would seem despite your detached scientific pursuit of hassle-free quality orgasms and a medical degree, this young man still finds you endearing, inspiring and, dare I say, loveable? Unless there is something horribly defective with him, I suggest trying dinner or a movie. Maybe he is more than you think, and relationships are not always distractions. Maybe you’ll just become better friends who have even better sex. Sex with a little intimacy might just be better than “satisfying.”
There isn’t really an easy way to tell a guy you like his penis but the rest of the package isn’t your style. You’ll have to be direct and let him know you want to keep it to just the sex. I am sure there are at least a couple dozen episodes of Sex and the City dedicated to this topic if you need a script. You will probably lose your good thing no matter what. If he is falling for you and has any self-esteem, he’ll move on to a girl who can appreciate and desires what he has to offer. And if you are human, you will understand. He could also not be interested in dating and just have a conscience attached to his penis; this will make your rejection of his common courtesies seem somewhere between daft and snobbish. Again, if he has any self worth, he’ll move on and you ought to do the same.
On a side note, this advice is given taking your letter at face value, but you might consider whether you are using your educational career as an excuse to avoid a relationship for other, more personal reasons. Ask yourself why an attractive, seemingly sweet guy isn’t right for you and answer as honestly as possible. Love does not come when we schedule it. I understand that there can be an indefinable something that makes a guy not the one for you, but it seems strange that you would still want to keep sleeping with him.
Much love and an open mind,
Your Uncle Mat
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