Dear Uncle Mat,
The sex in my partner’s and my relationship has been waning over the past few years and is getting pretty boring. I honestly think I had a better orgasm jerking off last week than I have had with him this entire year. We both know it and have talked about it, but don’t have a solution. Neither of us wants to cheat or open the relationship or sleep with anyone else. We are really happy together, but feel the sex has lost its appeal or something. We are both in decent health and shape. We’re not “hot,” but we aren’t overweight or aging poorly. We are in our late 30s by the way, and it seems like we should have some sexual appetite left in us. Other guys we know our age seem to be out there getting some. They are, of course, single. We haven’t really asked any other couples about their sex lives, as that might seem creepy, like we were looking to swing or something. We don’t have any fetishes or even a toy in the house. Neither of us really wants that. We would just like sex to be fun again. We have talked about supplements or prescriptions, but can’t decide if that is a good idea. It kind of seems like giving up and what about side effects? I thought we would ask you for some suggestions. We aren’t looking to do anything wild, crazy, kinky or dangerous, just better.
Sexless in San Antonio
Dear Sexless Duo,
Sexual doldrums happen in healthy relationships. Unfortunately, happiness is not a guarantee of all hot sex all day and all night every day forever. If so, unhappy single people would kill all the happy coupled people. It is safer this way, trust me.
How often do you jerk off? Or are horny? If that isn’t very often, then it may be more than just your chemistry. Any dysfunction? Maybe one or both of you is a little depressed. You say you are in good health, but have you had a physical recently? You could mention the issue to your doctor if you think there are any performance issues. Yes, there are drugs to help out, but also diet and exercise can affect your sex drive and performance. It doesn’t hurt to look at this.
You can ask your friends about their relationships and sex. It isn’t creepy if you do it nicely. Friday night over wine in their living room might seem like a come-on, but at coffee on a Tuesday with a preface of the truth of your situation (maybe not too many details) might elicit an honest and helpful response in return.
I think it is interesting that you don’t consider yourselves “hot.” I assume you mean in some kind of cultural or media-based context, but do you find each other sexually desirable? Be honest. To find someone not unattractive is not the same as finding them attractive. Maybe a little makeover is due. Try new haircuts, grow or remove some facial hair, join the gym and get “hotter.” Each of you could buy the other some new clothes that you think would look sexy.
Monogamy and the emotional connection you have fostered over the years are very important to you both. Sometimes this type of devoted love needs a kick in the romantic pants. Do you go out on dates still? What is the prelude to sex? Sure a poke in the sheets on Wednesday night after the news and before you set the alarm is comforting and serviceable, but not exactly rocking your world these days. Why not throw on a tie, take your man out to dinner or some mutually enjoyable activity, and then home for a glass of wine and a little ravishing on the couch? Think about your early dating and what led to some of your first sex or the best sex you can remember.
You don’t have to be wild or kinky to spice it back up. It doesn’t hurt, of course, but just simple things like a surprise blowjob when he comes in from mowing the lawn or sex in the kitchen can make it more fun. Maybe switch up the positions a little if you tend to lean one way more than the other, and draw out the foreplay. A nice massage with a double-bonus happy ending is both thoughtful and rewarding.
Much love and something even better than better sex,
Your Uncle Mat
Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets and art. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org, myspace.com/yourunclemat, or check out the Dear Uncle Mat Page on Facebook. Your true identity is safe with him.