Dear Uncle Mat,
I’ve got a problem! For the last year I have lived in an adorable little fourplex just north of downtown. I adore my apartment and have wonderful neighbors. Well, all but one. That one being the middle-aged woman that lives above me. From the small talk we have made, she seems fairly nice. However she’s possibly a prostitute. Maybe not that extreme, but she definitely keeps her bedroom active with a variety of men. I don’t mind anyone getting their groove on but I do mind when it is directly over my head and waking me up multiple times in the night — midnight, 2 a.m., 4 a.m., 6 a.m., etc. She’s excessively loud and I’m almost positive she’s faking it each time. Unless she has a medical condition, there is no way that a middle-aged woman is getting off every 15 minutes for two hours straight. True story — I counted it once. Her entire routine sounds scripted. First it begins with the “yes, yes, yes,” and it leads to “oh god, oh god, oh god” every time. The other neighbors concur that it is ridiculous and out of control. We can hear her from the parking lot. And it doesn’t matter which guy is there — it’s as if she’s making low-budget porn with a different guy every night.
Now, I have made several complaints to my landlord over the past year, but she’s not very responsive, living out of state. She must have finally contacted my rowdy neighbor, though, because I came home to a paper bag full of baked goods and wine. Too bad the neighborhood cats got into them. Since then, I have seen my neighbor twice, and she insists on giving me bottles of wine for her disruptions. I accept the apology but am a bit resentful because I feel as if it’s a little too late. Is she just hoping I’ll down a bottle of wine, pass out, and miss out on the romp fest? What can I do to or say to make this a better situation?
Sleepless (and grumpy) in San Antonio
Dear sleepless and grumpy,
Is it a bottle of wine per fake orgasm or just per trick? Would she consider delivering the wine prior to the event? I would agree that she is possibly a prostitute or an internet amateur porn star. You don’t have a problem, you have an entrepreneurial situation. Go out and buy a fedora and a swanky coat, knock on her door and say, “Look ho, no one works my turf without paying me my cut and a bottle of wine isn’t it. Keep sending the cookies — in a cat-proof tin with a 40-percent tip from your earnings. Oh, and a bottle of wine, too, but I prefer a dry Riesling” (or whatever you drink). Save up the cash and buy yourself a home or put down a deposit on a new apartment.
Seriously, I would say that the best way to fix this situation is to move. Clearly your landlord doesn’t care (or is taking a cut in addition to the rent). If the other tenants all agree, you could approach the landlord as a unified group and tell her you are all going to move out if the problem is not resolved efficiently. Eviction is not a simple task and even harder from out of state. Having to rent out all the other apartments at once might seem more difficult to your landlord.
In the meantime, tell your neighbor politely that you appreciate the apology and bottle of wine, but neither are helping you get a good night’s sleep. Don’t be rude, just honest. You could try earplugs and rearranging your apartment, if there is away to place your bedroom in another location. From your description, this may prove fruitless.
It is possible she doesn’t know exactly how bad she is, so you could also inquire with a few detailed questions like, “I heard you have at least 15 orgasms the other night, how do you do that? Are you a professional or just really good at it?” It’s a little passive-aggressive, but it lets her better understand the level of intrusion. If you’re lucky, she won’t go into detail.
Much love and some quiet,
Your Uncle Mat
Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets and art. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org, myspace.com/yourunclemat, or check out the Dear Uncle Mat Page on Facebook. Your true identity is safe with him.