Dear Uncle Mat,
I am certain my best girlfriend is sleeping with her ex-boyfriend. We are both married and have been friends since high school. The guy I think she is sleeping with is this jerk she dated back in high school and for a while afterwards. I just don’t get it. She has an awesome husband and a great son. This other guy is still a loser. I know he uses drugs like coke and drinks heavily all the time. She has been out with him at least five times I know of in the last month and then there have been other nights when she won’t return my calls and I know she’s out and the only reason to not talk to me is because I hate the douche she’s with. Her husband is really sweet and hasn’t said a word to us, but I know he has got to be freaked out and hurt by her behavior.
The last time we hung out she showed up with the old jerk, already drunk. He took off once he saw me. She and I ended up getting into a big fight that night and have not spoken since. I got a little drunk myself and told her what I thought about him and what she’s doing and then some. She denied that she’s having an affair, but wouldn’t really look me in the eye and now she’s avoiding me.
Maybe I came across as a bitch, but we have known each other forever and I know when she’s pulling some shit. I’m mad at her, but I’m also really concerned for her and her family. Some one needs to snap her out of this shit before she really fucks up her life. I’m looking for a plan.
Well, the first part of your plan should be to not get drunk and say a bunch of stuff that will make this situation more complicated. Since you already messed step one up, we will have to move onto step two and work around the damage done. Step two will now be shut your mouth and learn the difference between what you know and what you think.
What you know is that your friend is hanging out with a loser ex-boyfriend, behaving poorly and disregarding her husband and child. What you don’t know is if she is definitely sleeping with the loser and what her husband is actually thinking or feeling. If your husbands are also good friends, ask Archie to go tell Jughead that y’all think Veronica is acting a bit odd. The tone should not be accusatory or judgmental, but supportive. He may really need your support or ear or might have a suitable explanation, like he’s gay and told her she should go get some action on the side while he raises the baby.
Step three is to apologize to your friend for maybe being a bitch, except drop the word maybe. Send her a letter or leave her a voice mail and sincerely apologize. Let her know you are her friend and want to be there for her if she is going through a rough time. You have known her a long time and you like her, presumably because she is good person. Good people don’t act out like this without reason or cause. Maybe she’s scared about being married and a mother and wants to be a teenage tramp again. Maybe she’s depressed because Jughead isn’t putting out and she feels fat. Life is complicated. It’s hard not to judge people when they behave in a way that hurts and confuses us, but she is your friend and she needs your help. Listen to what she has to say with an open mind. You may still need to tell her to remove her head from her ass, but think firm and kind, and try it while you’re both not drunk.
She might be making (or already has made) the biggest mistake of her life. If that is the case, she needs a friend. She will need her family, and she may need a whole lot more.
On a final note, avoid confrontations with the coked-up drunken loser ex-boyfriend. I like to think Jerry Springer is all scripted, but that stuff comes from somewhere.
Much love and luck,
Your Uncle Mat