Dear Uncle Mat,
I’ve got a problem for you. I met my boyfriend at a bar. I picked him up and brought him home for what was some amazing sex. He’s real physical and “talented” in the bedroom. He talked dirty, which was kind of new for me, but I kind of liked it. That night I was a little drunk and it was hot. It definitely helped me discover another level of sex I didn’t know I would enjoy.
It turns out the next day that we still found each other attractive and have a lot in common. We have been dating pretty seriously ever since and I think maybe headed towards living together. We already spend most nights at his place.
The problem is that the dirty talk has not stopped. Every time we have sex or even when we’re talking about sex or getting into some foreplay he starts spewing filth. I mean drunken sailor, quadruple “X”, nasty talk. At first I found it a bit charming in a bad boy kind of way, but it’s getting a little old. It doesn’t leave the house and he is never inappropriate in front of our friends, but once we are alone and in the mood he is all pervert.
I just want to have sex or (I know it sounds cheesy) make love. Hell, I’d just be happy to blow him without hearing the words “take that cock boy.” I also do not like having my ass referred to as a man p----- or c---. Do you think he has some sex issues? I just don’t know what they would be. He’s out of the closet, so it’s not like he’s pretending I am a girl or that he isn’t gay.
I don’t want to ruin what we have, but I don’t think I can live the rest of my life in a trashy porno. Any advice on how to clean up his act would be appreciated.
Wanting some tenderness
Yes, I think he has some sex issues. What those are, I have no idea. I would hazard a guess to say they have something to do with his masculinity and intimacy. Plenty of men living totally out of the closet still find male intimacy emasculating and can be internally homophobic. He could also be carrying some baggage in his sexual history. I’m not going to cry therapy on this one, but don’t rule it out as an option if issues become apparent.
It is possible he has only seen really dirty porn and thinks that’s what gay sex is all about. People are misinformed about all kinds of things.
Why don’t you try talking to him about it first? Definitely tell him what words you find offensive or degrading. Suggest some alternatives. See how that goes over and then follow up with the request to sometimes simply be intimate or tender. If you don’t tell him what you want, he isn’t likely to just guess. What if he is keeping up the act because you responded so well to it the first time? Communication is a big part of sex. He’s been telling you how and where he likes you to take it, so you need to speak up and tell him where and how you would like him to give it. With any luck, this is mostly an issue of semantics.
Actions can speak louder than words, so you could also try to set a different mood by initiating the sex with a romantic tone. If he starts to talk dirty, just shush him gently and tell him to be quiet and let you lead the way. Or put something in his mouth. It’s hard to talk while kissing or with a dick in your mouth.
Sexual compatibility is important to a relationship. No matter how sexually active a couple is or the manner in which they are active, it is important that both people are comfortable and connected through this part of the relationship. I recommend reconciling this issue before you shack up. If you think it seems a little old now, imagine how you’re going to feel about “taking that cock” next Easter.
Much love and luck,
Your Uncle Mat
Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets and art. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org, myspace.com/yourunclemat, or check out the Dear Uncle Mat Page on Facebook. Your true identity is safe with him.