Festoon the bedchambers of Gotham with my milkshake, baby


From SportsCenter to MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann to a T-shirt kiosk near you, the all-the-rage catch-phrase “I drink your milkshake” has been gathering meteorite momentum, and is now destined to lose its fizzle quicker than you can say “Show me the money.”

Not since Hannibal Lecter ate a man’s liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti have we heard an actor issue such a vigorous slurp as does Daniel Day-Lewis while pontificating on milkshakes in There Will Be Blood. Usually we cull our quips from more mainstream fare, but the straw, the slurp, the milkshake, the moment — which sadly more have seen on YouTube than in the theater — has proven viral enough to warrant a place in pop-culture history.

Paul Thomas Anderson pulled the line from a transcript of a 1924 congressional hearing in which a senator used the phrase “straw reaching into the other’s milkshake” as an analogy for siphoning oil off another’s property. The milkshake itself originated in a New Hampshire … just kidding. So, while the milkshake line has come to mean something akin to gloating over a butt-whoopin’, it only makes real sense if you’re talking about forcibly commandeering another’s assets for your own gain … or … drilling oil wells. But mere semantics aren’t deterring anyone thirsting for a good lick-fingertip-make-sizzle-sound zinger.

Eventually, though, your Great Aunt Greta’s going to flick invisible dust off the shoulder of her appliquéd sweatshirt to declare she “drank your milkshake” in a game of gin rummy … and then, you’ll know: It’s time to move on to a new line, one that hasn’t gone the way of “Hasta la vista, baby” and the Macarena. May I suggest pretzeling other Day-Lewis lines to suit your needs?

Why dabble in milkshakes, I ask, when there are far more searing lines to be gleaned from Gangs of New York? Imagine this rallying cry, borrowed from Day-Lewis’s aptly named Bill the Butcher, echoing en masse from the AT & T Center or your local bingo hall: “Ears and noses will be the trophies of the day!” Milkshake, pah! Child’s play. Let’s act our age, shall we, and scowl instead, “I’ll festoon my bedchamber with his guts” in the presence of our opponents. It’s high time “festoon” makes its way back into our lexicon.

And next time you need something to key into the side of an ex’s car, consider, “I know how to look at people without blinking,” borrowed from Day-Lewis’s character Jerry in In the Name of the Father. I won’t back down, this one says with admirable umph, I can’t lose in the staring game. With this quote you’ll most definitely let people know you mean business … or that you have Bell’s Palsy.

How about a line from The Last of the Mohicans to guide the political fence-sitters of the general election: “We kinda face to the north and real subtle-like turn left.” This also works as a reply to tourists seeking Sea World or, just as handily, a tourist who needs a pointer on line dancing.

This one from The Crucible takes us back to the beverage metaphor of “milkshake” fame, if beverage metaphor you must: “Your justice would freeze beer.” What do you need milkshakes for when you have chilled beer? So, Olbermanns of the world, I say wean yourselves from the milkshake now before it becomes so habitual it’s a tick people discuss in your absence. I just have one question for PTA … would that be a five-dollar shake? •


Other ridiculous things said on film last year that you might not remember but should also consider saying at inappropriate times instead of anything
beverage-related (replace nouns as desired):

• “I’ll bet you 500 dollars there’s pee in that pool.”-

• “I love you, but I’m going to Mace you in the face.”

• “My bitches wear my collars.”

• “That was some pretty good sex last night, huh?”

• “Where in God’s name did you get that mannequin?!”

• “I’m a huge Val Kilmer fan.”

• “You’re a bitch and you’re going to die of diabetes.”

• “No matter what I say, it draws controversy. It’s sort of like the abortion issue.”

• “I googled ‘Murder.’”

• “Why don’t you just go fuck your bong?”

• “You’re a Timex watch in a digital age.”

• “I can’t buy you a candy house!”

• “If I don’t LOVE it, I don’t SWALLOW.”

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