ARIES (March 21-April 19): You have a poetic license, as well as astrological permission, to be extra cute in the coming week. I mean you have a divine mandate to exceed the usual levels of being adorable and charming and delectable. Here’s the potential problem with that, though: Trying to be cute doesn’t usually result in becoming cuter; often it leads to being smarmy and pretentious. So how can you take advantage of the cosmic imperative to be wildly, extravagantly, sublimely cute — without getting all self-conscious about it? That’s your riddle of the week.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It would be an excellent week for you to declare war on everything that wastes your time. Well, maybe “declaring war” is not quite the right spirit to adopt; after all, we don’t want you to go around constantly enraged and hostile. How about if we phrase it this way: It’s prime time for you to ingeniously and relentlessly elude all activities, invitations, temptations, trains of thought, and habits that offer you nothing in return for the precious energy you give to them. Of course this is always a worthy project, but it so happens that you’re likely to achieve far more progress than usual if you do it now.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Primatologist Jane Goodall, who lived for years among chimpanzees in Tanzania, is one of the world’s top experts on the creatures. Can you guess what her favorite toy was when she was young? A stuffed monkey, of course. There were no doubt foreshadowings like that in your own childhood or adolescence, Gemini. Right? Signs of the magic you would eventually seek to ripen? Seeds of destiny that had just begun to sprout? Now would be a good time to reflect on those early hints. You’ll benefit from updating your understanding of and commitment to the capacities they revealed.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): After all these years, the American presidential election of 2000 still makes me cringe. Because of the archaic laws governing the process, the candidate who “lost” the election actually got 543,895 more votes than the guy who “won.” How could anyone in good conscience, even those who supported the less-popular “winner,” have sanctioned such a result? It was perverse. It was pathological. It was crazy-making. I’d say the same thing if the roles had been reversed, and Gore had become president with a half-million fewer votes than Bush. You must not let something comparable to this anomaly happen in your personal life in the coming weeks, Cancerian. It is crucial that every winner be the one who deserves to be. Don’t sacrifice what’s right in order to serve corrupt protocol or outmoded conventions.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I dreamed you had been tending an unusual garden for months. Your crops weren’t herbs or flowers or vegetables, but rather miniature volcanoes. Each was now ripe and stood about waist-high. They erupted with a steady flow of liquid blue fire that you were harvesting in large, gold, Grail-like cups. Apparently this stuff was not only safe to drink, but profoundly energizing. You sipped some of the potion yourself and distributed the rest to a large gathering of enthusiastic people who had come to imbibe your tasty medicine. The mood was festive, and you were radiant. This dream of mine is a good metaphor for your life in the immediate future.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Darryl Dawkins played professional basketball from 1975 to 1996. One of the sport’s more colorful personalities, he said he lived part-time on the planet Lovetron, a place where he perfected his interplanetary funkmanship. He also liked to give names to his slam dunks. The “Turbo Sexophonic Delight” was a favorite, but the best was his “Chocolate-Thunder-Flying, Teeth-Shaking, Glass-Breaking, Rump-Roasting, Bun-Toasting, Wham-Bam-I-Am Jam.” I encourage you to try some Darryl Dawkins-like behavior in your own chosen field, Virgo. Give a name to your signature move or your special play. With playful flair, let people know how much you love what you do and how good you are at what you do.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): According to research published in The Journal of Personality (tinyurl.com/NoToSex), many college students prefer ego strokes to sex. Given the choice between making love with a desirable partner and receiving a nice big compliment, a majority opted for the latter. In the near future, Libra, it’s important that you not act like one of these self-esteem-starved wimps. You need the emotional and physical catharsis that can come from erotic union and other sources of pleasurable intensity far more than you need to have your pride propped up.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): An uncanny stretching sensation will soon be upon you if it’s not already. Whether you’re prepared or not, you will be asked, prodded, and maybe even compelled to expand. It could feel stressful or exhilarating or both. And it will probably force you to rethink your fascination with anyone or anything you love to hate. For best results, I suggest that you don’t resist the elongation and enlargement. In fact, it would be a very good idea to cooperate. As the odd magic unfolds, it will increase your capacity for taking advantage of paradox. It may also give you a surprising power to harness the energy released by the friction between oppositional forces.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You’re in a phase of your astrological cycle when you’re likely to be as attractive and endearing and in demand as it’s possible for you to be. I am not making any absurdly extravagant claims here — am not implying you’ll be as charismatic as a rock star and as lovable as a kitten — but you will be pushing the limits of your innate allure. I bet your physical appearance will be extra appealing, and you’ll have an instinct for highlighting the most winsome aspects of your personality. To help you take advantage of the potential that’s now available, please add the following word to your vocabulary: “concupiscible,” which means “worthy of being desired.”
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Nicolas Cage is a Capricorn. While performing his film roles, he often loses his composure. Of course the crazy things he does as an actor aren’t real and don’t lead to dire consequences in his actual life. But they afford him a great deal of emotional release. Let’s hypothesize that, like Cage, you could benefit from expressing the hell out of yourself without causing any mayhem. Is there a cork-lined sanctuary where you could go and safely unveil explosions of extreme emotions? Or some equivalent? For inspiration, check this Youtube compendium of Cage uncaged: bit.ly/CageUncaged.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): My divinations suggest that you’d be wise to assign yourself an errand in the wilderness. The precise nature of the errand has not been revealed to me, but I suspect it involves you going to an untamed place whose provocative magic will tangibly alter your consciousness, awakening you to some truth about your destiny that you’ve been unable to decipher. I also believe your task is more likely to succeed if you create a small, whimsical shrine there in your ad hoc sanctuary.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Do you have any idea of how many of your diapers your mother changed when you were a baby? It was almost certainly over 1,000. Have you ever calculated how many meals she prepared for you? That number probably exceeds 10,000. While we’re on the subject, do you remember who taught you to read and write? Can you visualize the face of the first person besides your parents who made you feel interesting or well-loved or real? I encourage you to follow this line of thought as far as you can. It’s a perfect time, astrologically speaking, to visualize memories of specific times you’ve been well cared for and thoroughly blessed.