ARIES (March 21-April 19): Maybe you weren’t listened to very attentively as a child. Perhaps you were dressed in clothes you didn’t like, hugged only three times a year, and fed food you were allergic to. I suppose it’s even possible that your parents were psychotic drug dealers who kept you chained to a radiator in their squalid basement. If that’s the case, Aries, I would understand if you had an urge to devote the next three decades to bewailing your bitter past and scheming up ways to wreak revenge on the cruel world. But if you have ever been curious about whether there might be better ways to allocate your time and energy, I have good news. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you now have it in your power to overcome your toughest memories and set out on a course to become almost as secure as if those bad things had never happened.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Let’s say you’re listening to your favorite band on a stereo system. There is a place between the two speakers where you will hear the two streams of music blend perfectly, exactly as the sound engineer intended. This place is called the sweet spot. If you play tennis or baseball, you know about another version of the term “sweet spot.” It’s the area on the racquet or the bat where you get best results when striking the ball. According to my astrological analysis, Taurus, this will be your ruling metaphor for the next three weeks. You have arrived at your very own sweet spot -- the embodiment of all that is melodious, graceful, delicious, aromatic, and effective.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Squirrels often bury the nuts they find, intending to come back and retrieve their bounty at a later time. The only trouble is, they sometimes forget where their hiding places are, and the nuts go uneaten. This, at least, is the story told by children’s book writer Beatrice Potter, and I regard her as an authority on such matters. I bring this to your attention, Gemini, because you’re entering a phase when it will be wise for you to track down and accumulate extra reserves of a prime resource. As you do, make sure you remember all the pertinent details that will allow you to fully access them when you need them in the future.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): For better or worse, you are at least temporarily becoming more psychic. It could be a blessing, or it might be a bit of a burden. You may really enjoy having an enhanced ability to tune in to what people are thinking and feeling, and it could prove eminently useful. Knowing what’s *really* on everyone’s mind might give you a significant edge as you work to turn grand fantasies into well-grounded realities. But it also might tax your empathy or tempt you to ignore boundaries that should be upheld. I hope that by informing you of this situation, I have made it far more likely that your higher sensitivity will be a gift instead of a glitch.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):Your strategies are very close to working. The results you’ve generated so far are almost useful, bordering on successful, and on the brink of being beautiful. My question now is: You won’t stop here, will you? You’ve already garnered a measure of recognition. You’ve gotten a taste of victory over your old bugaboos. Will you be satisfied with these partial breakthroughs, or will you fight and kick and scratch to strip away the almosts and ascend to utter triumph?
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): No more rotten dessert, Virgo. No more silky danger or juicy poison. No more worthless treasures or empty successes or idiotic brilliance. Soon all those crazy-making experiences will be gone, blasted, dead. By this time next week, the bad influences that were trying to pass themselves off as good influences will have fallen away in response to your courageous drive for authenticity. You will be primed to restore your innocence and play in places where purity is the rule, not the exception. Already, the wisdom of your wild heart is regenerating, giving you the strength to overthrow the sour, life-hating influences that were threatening to smother your spirit.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): An epic treasure hunt will soon begin. Are you ready for it? I don’t think you are. To get yourself in shape to perform at a high level, I suggest that you open your mind wider than you ever have before. The clues that will be most helpful won’t resemble any clues you’ve ever valued in the past, and they’ll be arriving from unforeseen sources. I’ll give you a hint about what to look for in the early going of the quest for the magic boon: What circumstance in your life has a certain metaphorical similarity to a speakeasy during the time when alcohol sales were illegal in America?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): It’s not a favorable moment to get your honey’s name tattooed on your forearm. Maybe in November, but not now. On the other hand, it’s an excellent time to determine whether your lover is willing to have your name tattooed on his or her forearm. In the coming weeks, I also encourage you to figure out which of your allies would give you half of their fudge brownie and which wouldn’t; which authority figures would be inclined to give you precisely what you want rather than see you walk out of their lives; and which of your associates are too jealous of you to be truly helpful. Be cagey about how you apply the tests, Scorpio. See if you can subtly gauge where everyone stands in relationship to you.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I’d like to discuss The Game. Do you know what I mean? I’m talking about The Unnamed Game. The Uber-Game that is so vast and all-encompassing that it’s virtually a secret. What if you discovered that one of the seemingly sacrosanct rules of The Game was really just a local ordinance, and no longer applied if you played in a different arena or at a higher level? And what if I said that in this different arena or higher level, new allies are poised to introduce you to loopholes and shortcuts you never imagined existed?
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I think you’ve been lurking and slinking long enough, Capricorn. For now, you’ve learned all you need to know about wrestling with camouflage and subterfuge. You’ve done all you could to clean up the crooked places and bring integrity to the twisted stories. Now it’s high time for you to come out and play -- to exit the claustrophobic maze and make a break for wide-open spaces. Some cautionary advice: To keep from getting pinched by trick endings, make sure all sales are final and all goodbyes are complete.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Technically, this would be an excellent time to shuck all your responsibilities and plunge into a week-long bacchanalia, complete with rowdy feasting and delirious dancing and lunatic laughter and erotic abandon and mind-altering emotions. Realistically, though, while such an interlude might do wonders for your relationship with yourself, it could dampen your relationships with people who rely on you. Unless of course you could coax them into joining you on your binge.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Did you ever notice that some people seem to be addicted to falling in love over and over again? While they may truly have a natural propensity to exult in the beauty of a great variety of their fellow humans, I also suspect that their addiction serves as an excuse for them to fall in love with themselves over and over again. At least in part, each new romantic partner is a pawn in their strategy for coming back home to themselves. Here’s what I’m inclined to ask these people: Why not simply eliminate the middleman or middlewoman? I’m not necessarily implying that you’ll benefit from this advice right now, Pisces. But then why did a soft, lulling voice in my head just suggest that I tell it to you?