Arts » Arts Stories & Interviews

Game reviews by Jeremy Martin


Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Xbox 360
2K Games
Little known fact: If you’ve already bought Marvel Ultimate Alliance, you already have FFRSS, you just have to mod the game. Execute the following program to unlock Fantastic fun:

1) MAKE everyone playing select members of the Fantastic Four.

2) IF one of your friends tries to be someone cool like Captain America (R.I.P.) instead of the Invisible Woman, ACCUSE him of being homophobic.

3) MUTE the TV. PRETEND all the bad guys are talking about being shiny and smooth.

4) TRY to have way less fun than usual.


Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Harry Potter: Dumbledore’s Army, assemble!

Hermione Granger: Not before we find this list of books in the Hogwarts’s library we don’t.

HP: What? We don’t have time for that, Voldemort’s back!

Ron Weasley: But, Harry, we can’t fight Voldemort without these spell books.

HP: I guess you’re right.

(Approximately 45 minutes of tedious library exploration, utilizing spells that pick up easily transportable objects or that basically serve the same function as a flashlight.)

HG: Well that should do it.

HP: It’s about bloody time. Now Dumbledore’s Army can assemble.

RW: Not with our training room so disheveled it can’t.

(Approximately 45 minutes of using magic to stack empty cardboard boxes.)

HG: Whew. We’re finally finished.

HP: Um, why did we do that again?

RW: What do you mean? We can’t have a DA meeting in a cluttered room.

HP: What I mean, Ron, is I’m pretty sure we’re f#%^ing wizards. Aren’t we f#%^ing wizards?

HG: (Snorts) Well, yeah. Muggles couldn’t use the expelliarmus spell. They have to do it by hand.

HP: We should have done it by hand. It would’ve taken half the time. Besides, we have magic powers, shouldn’t we be fighting orcs and getting laid or something?

RW: Not before we clean out the school’s gutters we aren’t …

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